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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-05-2008, 08:55 PM
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#1
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 783
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Free dome
DELETED
Last edited by Mirror : 05-09-2008 at 01:47 AM.
Reason: TYPOS
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02-05-2008, 10:34 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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This is a very touching and chilling piece of work. Excellent imagery and projection of the subject. There are some really great lines in this one.
Quote:
Cry runs barefoot
down corridor
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Excellent. |
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02-05-2008, 10:53 PM
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#3
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Gender: Female
Posts: 77
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Very intriguing piece. Very unique approach to the subject which is very refreshing.
I think the second part of this read better than the first, the imagery tied in from line to line a bit smoother and tied it all together really well.
The best line for me?:
I wash exhaustion, insults,
death mire from ribs.
Scrub arms, shoulders, thighs,
finding neither claws nor horns.
(Shower masturbation-
a man substitute.)
The line that kind of threw me off?:
death delayed until naked
Friday
when men enter cell, heads
reflected in soup bowl-
Cyclops eye.
everything else I thought was stoically written 
__________________
There is no place I can go, there is no place I can hide. It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.
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02-06-2008, 08:04 AM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,737
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Another vivd piece, Mirror. Interesting approach, and smooth flow.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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02-06-2008, 08:58 AM
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#5
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 783
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Thank you, Baron. Glad it worked for you.
Jessica, I appreciate your comment and critique.
About the part in question: death of tyrant leads guard to relent - food is finally served. I'm glad you picked up on stoic, for I try to avoid angst in my poems.
Thanks, Ilasir. Much appreciated.
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02-06-2008, 10:16 AM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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The sounds and images in this are quite magical.
A wonderous read Mirror.
No crits
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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02-06-2008, 10:51 AM
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#7
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 783
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Thanks, Jack. I'm thrilled you've enjoyed it.
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02-06-2008, 11:00 AM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jan 2008
Gender: Female
Posts: 225
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I had never "been" in a cell before, until I read your piece Mirror. Fantastic! You captured it in imagery perfectly. I too loved
Quote:
Cry runs barefoot
down corridor.
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__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll
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02-06-2008, 11:14 AM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,240
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There is a timelessness and inherent conflict almost like in Les Miserables. The oppressed verses oppressor feel is very strong.
Good imagery. Another good one Mirror.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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02-06-2008, 01:53 PM
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#10
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 783
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Thank you, Sad. Glad you felt transported.
Van, thanks. Reciprocal oppression is right. That's what I intended. I knew you would pick up on it.
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02-06-2008, 04:52 PM
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#11
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 407
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I've seen darkness in your work before, mirror, but this is a truly gritty piece. What inspired it?
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02-06-2008, 05:10 PM
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#12
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
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This has some great images in it, really raw and sensitive at once. However, for me, it wasn't enough to make me ignore the jerkiness in some of the transitions. Okay, the flow needn't be smooth as silk for a piece like this, but I felt that a little oiling in the right places might make it an easier read.
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02-06-2008, 08:58 PM
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#13
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 783
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F.S., most of my pieces are inspired from my past. I always find it interesting (amusingly so) when others (not only here, but in other places, as well) attach the name of some well-known writer as an influence to my work. Consciously, I'm not inspired by reading someone else.
Pete, thanks for the comment and critique. I'm interested as to which parts jarred in particular. I'm reading this out load once more and I can see places where the jerkiness might be avoided. I'll introduce a rewrite of those parts soon.
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