The Passionate Pilgrim

Hey, never really had a proper stab at poetry, but decided to give it another go and tried out an unusual rhyme scheme. Dont particularly like it, but looking for some criticism to make it better. Any help would be appreciated.




I hear your voice you prude, I’m listening
To your words,
Yes, ok, I’ll do that, and yes,
I’ll do that too,
Do I have a choice you prude?
Sorry, I must have misheard;

- Say it over new.


You say too much, I can’t remember
What you started with,
Yes ok, you’re right, and yes,
You are right again,
Speech with a crutch; in many words
Your meanings parting gift;

- I just cannot ascertain.


Too quickly said, that you stumble
Over your simple. single. sentence.
Yes, ok, I’m pressuring, and yes,
The pressure isn’t pleasant,
No clue what’s in your head, the mumbled
Expressions from your entrance;

- misconstrue what you present
So slow your voice down, consider every thing
You say, my dear,

‘Yes, ok, you have a point, and yes,

I see your point’

If agreed, my moist frown, that hinges on
Your words being clear;

- Will break off at the joint

Industrial

You seriously need to re-work the structure, your poem if the complete opposite of flowing and comes off as confusing.

On top of that I did not really see anything pop off the page at me, nothing really special. Maybe the bad grammar and structure hide a beautiful meaning; all I know is its no where near showing keep working on your poems.

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my reach is global
my cause is noble.

The Passionate Pilgrim

Thanks for reading it Industrial. Although the actual point of this poem was to be an almost anti-flow. I wanted to break it up. It seems that people always talk these days and their words become almost one elongated sound that nobody can understand. In effect their words mean nothing once you get down to it, its just rhythm and sound. My words may seem without metaphor and assonance and all manner of technique, but i was trying to reflect that n the form of the poem and its meaning. But I agree the structure does need a little work and i do need to keep working on them. Ive only recently started writing it again. So thanks for taking the time.

Industrial

heh. sorry, If it was anti-flow that sure clears up a lot. I did not mean to come off harsh at all, and now seeing your logic, it seems immensely better then I originally thought.

__________________
my reach is global
my cause is noble.

JessicaVendetta

Hello

Certain parts of this really stood out to me.:
You say too much, I can’t remember
What you started with,
Yes ok, you’re right, and yes,
You are right again,
Speech with a crutch; in many words
Your meanings parting gift

- misconstrue what you present
So slow your voice down, consider every thing
You say, my dear,

The other parts seemed a bit repetitive. I don't know whether you meant for it to. but in the first stanza the repeat of the word prude threw me off, and throughout the theme seemed to circle itself. I think there is a good meaning, and the approach is one that knows an argument. It's very nice, but I agree with industrial, a little re-work here and there would make it stand out a lot more and make for more of an impact.
I liked it

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There is no place I can go, there is no place I can hide. It feels like it keeps coming from the inside.

For me with Squalor

Definitely needs to be reworked a bit, and you repeat yourself too much.

I liked these lines, but if you sacrifice flow for us to remember your words, give us words that are a little more meaty and worth remembering in a sense.
I don't mean to sound cruel but I had to be honest.
Its not a bad piece it just needs work, like most things in life!
-Sqaulor

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