Sonnet 1 - Writers Forum

DylanFan · 02-05-2008, 07:24 AM

i've written tons of poems and songs but ive never done a sonnet before. I thought i'd give it a try. i'll be posting poems and songs on this site again after almost a year of not, for whatever reason. Please take a look

Sonnet 1 (Nightshade, My peace)

In darkness you visit my dormant eyes;
Reveries: past, present and future combined,
Prestidigitate in Sleep’s own device,
The crystal dreams that heal in the nigh`t.
O nightshade! My Peace; sing soft songs to me.
Repeat the chorus and in the refrain,
Paint beaut’ful landscapes with each phrase you breathe;
With your el’gant brush retouch every stain.
So, soon songs shall sing from each of our lips
Of dog’s names and futures; fruits of all sort,
Travels to odd lands and rocked fearful ships;
Of these will we sing like angels at court.
Yet, wake must I make and break from this dream,
To enter the world where you can be seen.

For me with Squalor · 02-05-2008, 07:58 AM

Beautiful, I'm also a Zimmerman fan so you had me from the start.
Great piece!

Wafti · 02-05-2008, 12:28 PM

Wafti · 02-05-2008, 12:30 PM

You haven’t quite got the meter of the sonnet (it’s a bitch, I know, but it’s important if you want to write them)
Examples:

Quote:

“Reveries: past, present and future combined”

Doesn’t fit an iambic pentameter.
(It’s XuuXXuXXuXX)
And has 11 beats

Quote:

“The crystal dreams that heal in the night”

Also has only 9 beats

Also I don’t like the elision of the word

Quote:

"beaut’ful"

as I’ve never heard anyone speak like that, and I think you only elided it to fit the beats, and the meter isn’t right in that line either. Same goes for

Quote:

"el’gant".

If that’s how you honestly say those words, than I’m sorry, and will endeavour to experience whichever idiolect you have, but I don’t feel like that’s a natural elision, especially as the rest has such clarity.

I don’t really like your use of the word prestidigitate. It adds the wrong image to me, despite the fact that I like the word. After the abstraction of the previous line, and in referring to a process during sleep, I feel it’s too physical, too mechanical a verb for the image, despite the ‘magic’ which the action describes.

I like the fact that your rhyming structure isn’t too strong, because it’s subtler and more striking than the laboured ‘ABC’ rhymes that are often tacked on the end of sonnet lines. The only place where I think you falter in this is

Quote:

“Of these will we sing like angels at court”,

but that might be because of the cliché rather than the rhyme itself.

There’s a lot of strong imagery in there which I enjoyed, notably:

Quote:

“Crystal dreams”

All the connotations of ‘crystal’, not just of worth and clarity, but of the bright, transparent, structured nature of the stone, all work together here really well – because it is in contrast to the murky, dark, loose reflections that are our dreams. Also it adds to the ‘break’ at the end of the poem, as there is more to lose.

Quote:

“Dogs names and futures”

A really nice combination of the trivial and the important, the simple and the profound.

Quote:

“To enter the world where you can be seen.”

I feel like it’s almost a cliché, but I love it anyway.

DylanFan · 02-05-2008, 03:56 PM

Thanks for your opinions but the one thing i have to disagree with is

"Also I don’t like the elision of the word Quote:
"beaut’ful"
as I’ve never heard anyone speak like that, and I think you only elided it to fit the beats, and the meter isn’t right in that line either. Same goes for Quote:
"el’gant".

Just because thats how ive seen it done it most sonnets. Idk its just a first try so i can only get better

Wafti · 02-05-2008, 04:09 PM

Yeah, like I said Sonnets are a bitch.

I gave up on Sonnets... but good look, this is a good first turn-out.

In cases of ellision in the real classic sonnets it's done because that's how one would actually abbreviate it in speech. Also, dont get fooled by inflections in the olde sonnets - it's not elision its inflection. INFLECTION! (sorry, I remember my English classes where the teacher got it wrong.... *grumbles*)
"Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel"

INFLECTION.

Want inspiration?
Look at My Last Duchess - it got me interested in Iambic Pentameter

Its a masterpiece, somehow Browning makes the most structured, difficult form of poetry read like casual conversation - He's an absolute master.

Then I had a go and failed horribly.

Baron · 02-05-2008, 05:00 PM

For a first try this is okay. I think that you would do well to study a few more sonnets and get a better idea of iambic pentameter.

Ilasir Maroa · 02-05-2008, 05:24 PM

Others have mentioned the elision and beats. I'll ask about the rhymes. They're not true rhymes for the most, which in and of itself is of little import(there's plenty of versions of the sonnet), but I think the intent of the sonnet is to hold a certain strict form, and the lack of regular rhymes seems to me to take away from that. Of course, it is a first try, and a good one.

DylanFan · 02-05-2008, 06:28 PM

I read, then listened to then re-read "My Last Duchess"-- Wow. Thats a lot to look up to heh. Thanks for everyones input and thanks for telling me to read that poem