Me In Autumn - Writers Forum

Mermaid on the breakwater · 02-03-2008, 06:11 PM

Me In Autumn.

To match darker shades
of falling leaves,

red hair ripples

in westward breeze,
picked up and swept
along barren earth
beneath rooted feet.

Hands deep in pockets
searching memories -
lockets and trinkets,
embroidered promises
to hang about my neck,
remembering places strayed.

To find in each breath I take,
one more I wish was yours.

*Never forgotten.*

This is a bit of a rewrite of a poem I posted on here a little while ago.

Mirror · 02-03-2008, 06:32 PM

This is one of those timeless pieces - no angst, simply memory of spaces swaying between two people. Concise and honest.

A couple of nits/ notes while reading:

'red hair sways': nothing wrong with this line, only with its placement in the stanza - seems like a dangling appendage. Perhaps, make it a verse of its own? Just a thought.

Second stanza: show the reader the lockets, trinkets. You could beef it up with more detail.

Third stanza: syntactic ambiguity arises. I had to reread it several times. Perhaps make the transition smoother from 'one more' to 'I wish was yours'. This leads me to think: Could you introduce a stronger ending while retaining the desired unification (the shadow of her presence?)

Overall, I enjoyed this for the reasons mentioned in the beginning of my post. Just thought it could do with a tidy up.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 02-03-2008, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mirror

This is one of those timeless pieces - no angst, simply memory of spaces swaying between two people. Concise and honest.

A couple of nits/ notes while reading:

'red hair sways': nothing wrong with this line, only with its placement in the stanza - seems like a dangling appendage. Perhaps, make it a verse of its own? Just a thought.

Second stanza: show the reader the lockets, trinkets. You could beef it up with more detail.

Third stanza: syntactic ambiguity arises. I had to reread it several times. Perhaps make the transition smoother from 'one more' to 'I wish was yours'. This leads me to think: Could you introduce a stronger ending while retaining the desired unification (the shadow of her presence?)

Overall, I enjoyed this for the reasons mentioned in the beginning of my post. Just thought it could do with a tidy up.

Thanks for your comments, I agree with you on what needs to be worked with. As always, much appreciated.

I've done a bit of housekeeping, it feels smoother now. Any more suggestions?

Baron · 02-03-2008, 06:55 PM

I think that this is quite an impressive piece. The only nit I have is the "red hair sways" line. I think that I would have chosen a word such as "ripples" to give a little assonance and alliteration.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 02-03-2008, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

I think that this is quite an impressive piece. The only nit I have is the "red hair sways" line. I think that I would have chosen a word such as "ripples" to give a little assonance and alliteration.

Thanks, Baron, your suggestion works so I'll stick it in there.

SadLuckDame · 02-03-2008, 07:10 PM

I have no crits, thought it was a sweet piece of memories.

vangoghsear · 02-03-2008, 07:49 PM

Beautiful piece, MOTB. Very good. No crits.

Ilasir Maroa · 02-04-2008, 01:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mermaid on the breakwater

Thanks, Baron, your suggestion works so I'll stick it in there.

Don't sacrifice for cute devices. I think "sways" works much better. Holds true to the tone and theme. Your much more likely to "sway" than "ripple" in a "westward breeze." I also think it flows better rhythmically, and has some connective assonance wioth the next stanza. Lastly, "hair ripples" with "r" following "r" is a bit jarring, and fools with the rhythm more (imo).

Oops, almost forgot... The poem itself is quite melancholy, and has a tinge of stark grief. The rhyming is very nice, and the rhythm flows well. Uses its imagery very efficiently.

Baron · 02-04-2008, 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Don't sacrifice for cute devices. I thinks "sways" works much better. Holds true to the tone and theme. Your much more likely to "sway" than "ripple" in a "westward breeze." I also think it flows better rhythmically, and has some connective assonance wioth the next stanza. Lastly, "hair ripples" with "r" following "r" is a bit jarring, and fools with the rhythm more (imo).

Oops, almost forgot... The poem itself is quite melancholy, and has a tinge of stark grief. The rhyming is very nice, and the rhythm flows well. Uses its imagery very efficiently.

You're just being contrary.

Hair doesn't really sway, perhaps ripple is a bit closer and avoids the cliche, but it gets tossed and blown. Tossing in the breeze could have an unfortunate connotation so leave as sway or ripple as MotB sees fit.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 02-04-2008, 05:25 AM

It's all in the creative process. I haven't decided on either as yet but I liked Baron's idea of ripples. Sways has its own value, as you say, Ilasir, why I used the word so it must have some

. I am still tossing them over and around my head but that's all I am tossing! Thanks for the crits.

For me with Squalor · 02-04-2008, 06:14 AM

Great great piece Mermaid, I really liked its flow. One thing that might or might not be a good idea but I felt it would flow better if in the 3rd stanza you would switch the words "lockets and trinkets" to read "trinkets and lockets" just a thought!
Great piece once again.

Foxee · 02-04-2008, 07:00 AM

This is one of those pieces that makes me happy I clicked on it. It has a subtle rocking flow to it for me that mimics the swaying of branches (Yes, I have been told I think too much so I'm probably just reading that into it). Had a wistful longing to it that didn't overpower the imagery.

Really nice.

MisterJack · 02-04-2008, 09:52 AM

I'm a bit late to be able to offer any advice on this. It's a sound, fluid read with some nice images.

Thanks for sharing this one Mermaid, it's good!

Jack

Ilasir Maroa · 02-04-2008, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

You're just being contrary.

Hair doesn't really sway, perhaps ripple is a bit closer and avoids the cliche, but it gets tossed and blown. Tossing in the breeze could have an unfortunate connotation so leave as sway or ripple as MotB sees fit.

I would never disagree just to be contrary. What a rude thing to say! And then to act as if my comment was any different from yours...

Baron · 02-04-2008, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

I would never disagree just to be contrary. What a rude thing to say! And then to act as if my comment was any different from yours...

Never intentionally rude. I apologise.