Well Powdered - Writers Forum

Wafti · 02-03-2008, 05:12 AM

Shards of a titan, ground to dust
Ruined by rocks and the growling red rust
Drank by the oaks and wept in the river,
Drop by drop,
To be carried hither and thither until delivered
To the vast azure, bloated with stars, where they
Sank to the depths for a thousand years –
Slept with no dreams –
Keeping the seams of the ocean plates
Well powdered.

Triturated, abraded and carried ashore,
To beaches laden with tourists and more.
Gold.
They bathe in the stuff
Admiring the breasts and the thighs and the buff
Flesh on flesh lain on the broken old world
Washed, washed by the sea’s slow slosh.
Grains of the titan, forever been hurled,
To rest between hillocks of lust

In every crack and crevices and gorge
Is lined a layer of the dust from the forge –
Fills out the wrinkles, smoothes out the cracks,
Gives greater weight to the creature that lacks.
Tears of a titan, tears of the sea
Found its way through the aeons to me.
Dead.
Most the world’s dead.
And they wait under weight on the salty sea bed.

Robed in the powders of earth
We make ourselves kings
But die before coronation
Then thrown on the Hearth
We make sure to bring
Our princes their carnations.

Oh and Hi, I'm new. Would love to hear your thoughts.

MisterJack · 02-03-2008, 02:44 PM

double post. Perhaps we have another problem with the site?

MisterJack · 02-03-2008, 02:44 PM

I take it this is an aural piece

?

It has some nice rhyme/half rhymes in there.
There is an abundance of vocal charm,
and yet there is something not quite there with it.
Perhaps it's the sporadic lines and rhymes?
Perhaps it could be tightened with a steady tempo, whereby you stick to an average syllable count throughout, say a ten beat for the majors and a four/five or six on the others?

Sorry I can't be more specific just now, I am a little worn down.
Perhaps I will come back later and see if I can suggest something?

Hope this helps?

Jack

SadLuckDame · 02-03-2008, 04:20 PM

It really did read well, flows along beautifully.

Wafti · 02-04-2008, 03:42 PM

Hey thanks for reading it, and for commenting - even if your comments contradict each other (!)

The off-beat rhythm is innevitable given the subject; I was kind of thinking about the off-beat nature of transience/the sporadic passing of time. They way in which something can be thrown from mountain to river in a few short seconds, and then rest on the river bed for a hundred years before setting off again. I think that's why the poem turned out like it did.

Does that make it a difficult read/difficult to be heard?

I'm not sure I'd like it to have a steady meter.

For me with Squalor · 02-04-2008, 06:57 PM

Way out there, but in that context excellent! I loved these lines:
'Gold.
They bathe in the stuff
Admiring the breasts and the thighs and the buff'
Well done, no meter is required, it doesn't read badly once you resign yourself to this.
I definitely liked it!

Wafti · 02-06-2008, 11:45 AM

Thank-you, I appreciate you taking the time to read it, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.