A passing moment - Writers Forum

dannyboy · 02-02-2008, 06:32 AM

A passing moment

On your bike in glowing white
Moving along a red dust road
Above thick clouds keep hold
Of the secrets beneath your wheels
In your hand you hold a wooden clacker
That clacks to warn of your approach
The world balanced between your thighs
Your black hair and pointed hat
Cover your face as you pass

How then have you ridden
Into my heart?

MisterJack · 02-02-2008, 07:10 AM

You've been really touched by your trip haven't you db? This piece reflects that more-so than the others I think, just due to it's simplicity.

A good read

Jack

Baron · 02-02-2008, 08:29 AM

A good, simple piece, as Jack has said. No crits on this one, dannyboy.

MisterJack · 02-02-2008, 05:07 PM

Are there REALLY no other takers on this piece??

Astounding. I'm bumping simply because it's deserving of more views

Jack

dannyboy · 02-04-2008, 03:58 AM

thank you both

Mermaid on the breakwater · 02-04-2008, 05:38 AM

Simple and elegant. A nice poem, Danny.

apple · 02-04-2008, 08:54 PM

I'm not sure if this poem could stand alone if no one knew that you are refering to a specific country and people. As I was reading it through "balanced between your thighs" I thought it was wonderful, very solid. But then you wrote of black hair and a pointed hat and I thought of a witch, dressed in white, riding a bicycle . (I'm not trying to be facetious, dannyboy. I really did.) I stopped to ponder on this image and thought that this might be something very profound that I wasn't catching on to. Obviously I wasn't. When i read Mister Jack's first comment , then it made sense. If you could just fix that ,to me, it would work.

FollowingShadow · 02-04-2008, 09:15 PM

Forgetting the poem's Vietnamese context, I thought of a witch as well. Perhaps the title or a subtitle or a dedication-- anything really-- to put the poem in context would make the image a bit more poignant.

dannyboy · 02-05-2008, 01:56 AM

ta all and I do not mind the witch connotation - to me it fits with the surprise of the Narrator but perhaps something in the title...

Sholto · 02-05-2008, 02:03 AM

That was really good i like it

A-L · 02-05-2008, 05:53 AM

'Twas nice.

vangoghsear · 02-05-2008, 09:26 AM

I've come back to this piece several times. I've probably read it ten times at least. I do like the simplicity and I do envision a scene.

However, once again, I have to veer away from what everyone else is saying, but I have to think you want an honest opinion, so here it is.

To me it is like a sketch in a notebook, more to remind you of what the scene was like. Most of the descriptions are cliche or just not especially compelling. I can picture the scene mainly because you have told us about it. I don't feel you have shown us it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dannyboy

A passing moment

On your bike in glowing white (Cliche)
Moving along a red dust road (Not compelling, not too bad though, but can't this be stated more creatively?)
Above thick clouds keep hold (Cliche)
Of the secrets beneath your wheels (this one is masterful, a real db image)
In your hand you hold a wooden clacker
That clacks to warn of your approach (Not compelling, just telling)
The world balanced between your thighs (this one is masterful, a real db image)
Your black hair and pointed hat (Not compelling, just telling)
Cover your face as you pass

How then have you ridden
Into my heart? (Cliche)

Sorry db, I usually find your work to be fantastic, this series has been a problem for me.

Lorlie · 02-05-2008, 01:18 PM

Hey Danny I liked this a lot, I too got the witch pic, but it was working for me anyway. There is a great sense of breath in this piece as though for a long time you were holding your breath and this is an exhale. Lorlie