Familiar Afghan - Writers Forum

SadLuckDame · 02-01-2008, 07:58 PM

I wanted to try out my Grandmothers' slippers. Both have suffered alzheimers, and it pulls my heartstrings from both angles. Obviously the family's side, yet there is the suffering loved one's side as well. I hope I could capture both in this little piece. Critiques help me, so if you could take a moment and glance over this one for me.

Familiar Afghan

Glancing about
Vacant
overwhelmingly lost
faces unknown
Hugs for fragile neck
Dyed red head
just woke up,
not yet gone to bed?

Tattered slippers
scootch on linoleum
afghan; familiar piece,
nervous smile for company
remembering one or two
here, there in your head

Fat, chubby toddler
wipes tears on your knee
In need of gentle coddling
lullabyes, quiet singing
"candy! candy! please!"
wet cheeks, huffy breath
hiccups
Fond of little ones
pleading eyes, sweet innocence

nod off to memories
Lull, Lull 1929

Papas' thick black belt
cold buckle, worn leather
slides easily out of pant loops
"Gonna learn a lesson, Missy!"
"No Daddy! He threw rocks at me!"
Brother smirking by stove
stirring black coffee
filling thermos,
railroad workers
Papa with rough, cracking skin,
sooty hands grab upper arm
Missy gets her discipline

"Mother this is Jean"
hand lifts aged chin
lovely lady, teary eyed
makes quick work of tissue
to her slim, pale nose
pink, reddened blotchy face
diamond ring
etched 1941
"And Mom, this is little Tim,
your Grand baby"
Frustrated hand to forehead
"I'm your only boy, don't you remember me?"

vangoghsear · 02-01-2008, 09:51 PM

Sad, there are some great moments in this. My only crit concerns the change from present time to past memory. It gets a little confusing. Just a little physical shift of the stanzas (like I did below) can work here I think. Am I right about there being a flashback happening?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadLuckDame

I wanted to try out my Grandmothers' slippers. Both have suffered alzheimers, and it pulls my heartstrings from both angles. Obviously the family's side, yet there is the suffering loved one's side as well. I hope I could capture both in this little piece. Critiques help me, so if you could take a moment and glance over this one for me.

Glancing about
Vacant
overwhelmingly lost
faces unknown
Hugs for fragile neck
Dyed red head
just woke up,
not yet gone to bed?

Tattered slippers
scootch on linoleum
afghan; familiar piece,
nervous smile for company
remembering one or two
here, there in your head

______Fat, chubby toddler
______wipes tears on your knee
______In need of gentle coddling
______lullabyes, quiet singing
______"candy! candy! baby want please!"
______wet cheeks, huffy breath
______hiccups
______Fond of little ones
______pleading eyes, sweet innocence
______nod off to memories

______Papas' thick black belt
______cold buckle, worn leather
______slides easily out of pant loops
______"Gonna learn a lesson, Missy!"
______"No Daddy! He threw rocks at me!"
______Brother smirking by stove
______stirring black coffee
______filling thermos,
______railroad workers
______Papa with rough, cracking skin,
______sooty hands grab upper arm
______Missy gets her discipline

"Mother this is Jean"
hand lifts aged chin
lovely lady, teary eyed
makes quick work of tissue
to her slim, pale nose
pink, reddened blotchy face
diamond ring
"And Mom, this is little Tim,
your Grand baby"
Frustrated hand to forehead
"I'm your only boy, don't you remember me?"

SadLuckDame · 02-02-2008, 03:04 AM

Yes, thank you Van, she jumps back to a flashback there, so I added the date and italic on the memory. How does that seem to work out now, confusion wise?

Baron · 02-02-2008, 08:23 AM

I think that italicising the flashbacks would be a simple devise to help the reader and maintain flow, even with the insertion of the date. A good piece.

Mirror · 02-02-2008, 09:17 AM

Another pulsating piece, Sad - your usual franticness slightly mollified by a halting entrance into the flashback within which you continue to gain momentum. I'd italicize the third stanza, as well, for discernment purposes.
The rhyme scheme vacillates, but it befits the subject. I have no critiques. Just wanted to thank you for the read.

SadLuckDame · 02-02-2008, 09:28 AM

Thank you Baron, and Mirror. I do have one question, maybe one of you would have an idea of how I could work it out nicely. In the last stanza, I'd really like to suggest some how to the reader, that the "diamond ring", was once the Grandmother's. How can I best accomplish this, without getting very wordy? Do I just add "antiqued Diamond Ring"? Italics on it? I'd really love to be able to do this, but lacking the know hows yet....

Mirror · 02-02-2008, 09:43 AM

Sad, how about assigning the ring Grandmother's age? Gives the ring more poignancy, more ownership.
x year old diamond ring? Insert the years there. Just a thought.

SadLuckDame · 02-02-2008, 09:48 AM

That would be wonderful Mirror, what a creative way. Thank you thank you! I think I'll try to find out when my Grandmother was married, and do her own ring a detail in this.

FollowingShadow · 02-02-2008, 11:01 AM

Very interesting. I sympathize; my dad's mother is ill with Alzheimer's and the effect, I think, is something you've expressed accurately and well.

You could play around with the italics in S4, perhaps have one line of normal text, one line italicized. And I agree about the indentation of the 5th and 6th stanzas.

Last bit: perhaps you could play around with the lines of dialogue, make them sound a bit less forced. I'm thinking of S3L5 specifically.

Thanks for sharing. =)

SadLuckDame · 02-02-2008, 11:15 AM

Thank you FS, is a difficult thing to capture in words, I knew it was going to be a challenge for me. Especially considering I'm pretty dramatic with words, yet alzheimers' suffers for the most part, only seem lively in their memories of things, not in there "now day life". So trying to work a poem up where all the characters are still full of life, yet the grandma lacks it, except in memory is urgh a pita. I might just have to walk away from it for a day or two, then come back to tackle.
I appreciate the read and kind comments

MisterJack · 02-02-2008, 11:22 AM

I keep coming back to this and re-reading. It's a truely wonderful write, SadLuckDame. You have absolutely no right to say that you are not a very good poet. This piece confirms that you are!

Keep writing

Jack

ps, It might be an idea to lose the little intro's before the poems though and let the reader make of the piece what they will, unaided. just a thought

SadLuckDame · 02-02-2008, 11:49 AM

It is funny, the art of downsizing, you only get so many words to emotionalize with. Thank you Jack. I decided best just to return to the emotionless beginning too. Although it's not really my thing, I realize it helps set the mood for her vacancy. She can only pop to life in that memory.
I'm not sure how to do the indent...?

Baron · 02-02-2008, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadLuckDame

It is funny, the art of downsizing, you only get so many words to emotionalize with. Thank you Jack. I decided best just to return to the emotionless beginning too. Although it's not really my thing, I realize it helps set the mood for her vacancy. She can only pop to life in that memory.
I'm not sure how to do the indent...?

Edit in advanced mode. Underscore to create the indent however many places you want and then use the white font colour to make the underscore invisible.