MisterJack

deleted

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

SadLuckDame

Hee Hee women these days. Soon they will be so plastic, so controlled, that I'm scared to think I share the same sex.
Very nicely done MisterJack

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

Baron

You've painted a good picture here, Jack. I wouldn't touch it.

__________________

MisterJack

It's worrying that so many seem to be trying to live up to a celebrity lifestyle, the banks are allowing this and it will be interesting to see how peoples 'spend spend spend' of the past 10 years or so will affect us. Pretty soon, these Spa retreats will only be affordable by few and those who have begun plasticising themselves will suffer as they won't be able to keep up their treatments.

Never understood this vanity. It's one thing wanting to look nice, it's another wanting to look like someone else

Thanks for reading and commenting though (lol)

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Baron

You don't seem to be getting many views on this one, Jack.

__________________

MisterJack

I had noticed

Thanks for the vote of confidence, and the bump
any critiques on this will be appreciated. It has been said that the ending does not suit the piece, but I'm not sure if this is valid?

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Baron

You would lose nothing by dropping the last three lines and leave the ending giving the readers more to think about for themselves

__________________

vangoghsear

This is another good one Jack. I agree that a slight reworking of the end 3 lines wouldn't hurt. It is a little too telling.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Matt3483

Speaking purely from the feeling I got from the poem here: I thought it was great. It read like one long sentence. The momentum was awesome.

__________________
Reading is to me like water is to a fish: I can't live without it.

MisterJack

Matt, Van, Baron, thank you all for comments. I will consider altering those last three lines, if it doesn't work out, I'll drop them

Matt, thanks. Most of my pieces have a 'momentum' and the speed at which I make you read depends on the subject matter.

Thanks again

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Mirror

Love the derisive tone. As far as the last three lines are concerned, I think you employ sufficient imagery to balance the 'telling', yet a stronger, more congruent punch line may be in order. Those lines are more tied to the two or three previous ones than to the entire piece. Just a thought for minor tweaking.
Also, 'pills dispensers' - I keep wanting to read simply 'pill dispensers'.
Great subject - very well executed.

__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

Mermaid on the breakwater

I think it's great but there's nothing wrong with vanity, so long as the vanity is a small part of the person.

__________________
Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

MisterJack

Mirror, MOTB, and indeed everyone else, I thank you for commenting and have made a few changes.

I look forward to any further comments on the edit.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Baron

See what a bump does?

__________________

apple

A really good piece MisterrJack. I enjoy the whirling ride of your poetry.