Agonys aunt - Writers Forum

tainted · 02-01-2008, 03:07 PM

A thousand thorns in my side,
a piercing stare aimed my way,
a dying curse upon my head,
a dark shadow casting a light of dread,
a bee sting when I cant take the pain,
a crying baby with no one but a drunk, sleeping mother,
a long execution on the electric chair,
a screeching voice bouncing off my ears,
this is you to me.

Baron · 02-01-2008, 03:24 PM

Quote:

A thousand thorns
in my side,
piercing stare aimed
my way;
dying curse upon my head,
dark shadow
casting light of dread;
bee sting when I cant take the pain,
crying baby with no one
but drunk, sleeping mother,
long execution
on the electric chair,
screeching voice
bouncing off my ears,
this is you to me.

Don't want to be a downer but as it stands this is teen angst. There's a string of bitter phrases but no real emotive image below the surface. The "a" at the beginning of each line doesn't help and playing with the format as I've done above can help to project this more.

Mirror · 02-01-2008, 03:39 PM

Welcome to Writing Forum, tainted.

First to all, I'd advice you against placing a waver, for the poem should stand alone. Besides, you'd like to receive your readers' interpretations rather than your own (that which you already know), no?

As far content goes, this poem barely exceeds a list. Not sure what you want to achieve by merely enumerating the constituents of an enmeshed and sadomasochistic relationship. I'd like to see you develop these images and weave them into a poem. You need some cement.

I find Baron's suggestions for format and omission of filler words perfectly valid and the first step toward improving this poem.

Best,
Mirror

tainted · 02-01-2008, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Don't want to be a downer but as it stands this is teen angst. There's a string of bitter phrases but no real emotive image below the surface. The "a" at the beginning of each line doesn't help and playing with the format as I've done above can help to project this more.

Wow, thankyou for your honesty. I wrote this a while back and never really thought to look at it that way, but, the way you have moved it around does point out to me that it was a touch cold and angsty, thanks for your help, it reads so different when projected as you have written it.

Mirror, point taken on the waver.
Im new to writing forums, so I will get the drift soon.

tainted · 02-01-2008, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mirror

As far content goes, this poem barely exceeds a list. Not sure what you want to achieve by merely enumerating the constituents of an enmeshed and sadomasochistic relationship. I'd like to see you develop these images and weave them into a poem. You need some cement.

Best,
Mirror

Will definitely work on it Mirror

.