Something More - Writers Forum

Baron · 02-01-2008, 11:07 AM

removed for publishing reasons

Mirror · 02-01-2008, 03:51 PM

security dies
while a small boy plays
with toy cars on the patio.

_____Flowers
wilt in the rain that washes away
_____family.

Poignant lines, which made the poem for me. The human presence, latent in the previous verses, emerges sliver-like only to dissolve into mournfulness. A beautiful homage to that disturbing transience, plaintively rendered. Excellent piece, Baron.

SadLuckDame · 02-01-2008, 07:00 PM

This was beautiful...very touching
Flowers
wilt in the rain that washes away
family.

apple · 02-01-2008, 07:41 PM

You captured in the beginning, balmy, secure, contented, how a child deserves to feel about his life and home. I even thought, Wow, Baron is doing a great job with the mood and emotion here. I love

Each day is its own forever;
unspoken understandings,
_____no untruths,
_____nothing crushes
the cosy cocoon of childhood.

And then it slowly transitioned to disillusionment and sufferering. The "rape" of our children and the trust in their eyes. For me, you wrote a powerful poem. Very well written. Explicit and true.

Industrial · 02-01-2008, 07:56 PM

This is dank. It seems like you put a lot of time into this, you might have, or not. either way this piece was packed with detail and extracted emotion out of me, I really enjoyed it.

Baron · 02-01-2008, 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mirror

security dies
while a small boy plays
with toy cars on the patio.

_____Flowers
wilt in the rain that washes away
_____family.

Poignant lines, which made the poem for me. The human presence, latent in the previous verses, emerges sliver-like only to dissolve into mournfulness. A beautiful homage to that disturbing transience, plaintively rendered. Excellent piece, Baron.

I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts on this one. Thank you.

MisterJack · 02-02-2008, 03:45 AM

When I first saw this the format was different. I think now you have changed that, this has become a much more superior piece. The breaks and emphasis are spot on, and the content, moving and powerful.

One of your better poems Baron, enhanced by a cracking format

Jack

Baron · 02-02-2008, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadLuckDame

This was beautiful...very touching
Flowers
wilt in the rain that washes away
family.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this one.

Baron · 02-02-2008, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apple

You captured in the beginning, balmy, secure, contented, how a child deserves to feel about his life and home. I even thought, Wow, Baron is doing a great job with the mood and emotion here. I love

Each day is its own forever;
unspoken understandings,
_____no untruths,
_____nothing crushes
the cosy cocoon of childhood.

And then it slowly transitioned to disillusionment and sufferering. The "rape" of our children and the trust in their eyes. For me, you wrote a powerful poem. Very well written. Explicit and true.

Apple, I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave comment on this one, as always. I'm glad that the point got to you.

Baron · 02-02-2008, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Industrial

This is dank. It seems like you put a lot of time into this, you might have, or not. either way this piece was packed with detail and extracted emotion out of me, I really enjoyed it.

I hope that you mean dark rather than dank.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

I have it · 02-02-2008, 04:11 PM

Baron, I enjoyed this poem, the words flow and the poems comes full circle, however I feel that you are being a bit vague overall, but perhaps that is your point. I feel as if there is a deeper meaning beneath it all, which i am sure there is, I want it to be revealed in the poem. It is as if there is some great amount of sorrow that I want to relate with you in poem, however I can not pin point it. I guess I just want something tangible out of it all. This poem is different from others that you have wrote. It is much more mysterious.

Baron · 02-02-2008, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by I have it

Baron, I enjoyed this poem, the words flow and the poems comes full circle, however I feel that you are being a bit vague overall, but perhaps that is your point. I feel as if there is a deeper meaning beneath it all, which i am sure there is, I want it to be revealed in the poem. It is as if there is some great amount of sorrow that I want to relate with you in poem, however I can not pin point it. I guess I just want something tangible out of it all. This poem is different from others that you have wrote. It is much more mysterious.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment and I'm glad that you say that you enjoyed it. As for injecting something more tangible, I'm not sure that making this poem any more obvious would be helpful to it but I'm open to suggestions.

Baron · 02-03-2008, 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterJack

When I first saw this the format was different. I think now you have changed that, this has become a much more superior piece. The breaks and emphasis are spot on, and the content, moving and powerful.

One of your better poems Baron, enhanced by a cracking format

Jack

"more superior"? Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Jack

MisterJack · 02-03-2008, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

"more superior"? Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Jack

Yes, more superior than it was with the structure before. The reader is being guided towards emphasis a little more this way

Mermaid on the breakwater · 02-03-2008, 05:28 PM

security found in an embrace -
or a game that mother plays -
that whiles away the morning.

I love the play on morning/mourning, here. That kind of play on imagery is evident throughout, so that what you're feeling on a first reading is almost intangible, but born out by the transitions between memories which feel like they're both past and present. There's a lot going on in something which is so simply expressed. Good read, Baron.