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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
02-01-2008, 01:58 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 236
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Adoration
Silently kneeling by your bed,
Lovely images fill my head,
I adore you
love you.
Dare I wake you before it's time
gently touch you,
my heart ponders a desire,
You are dreaming of me.
Your eyelids flutter like butterfly wings,
You're waking,
I am shaking,
Leisurely,
Those blue eyes focus…
lock with mine,
A smile caresses your sweet face
I grin.
Last edited by citygirl : 02-12-2008 at 11:31 PM.
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02-11-2008, 08:20 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 236
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Any comment on this would be welcome.....  |
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02-11-2008, 09:14 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,493
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give it to him/her, leave us out of it.
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02-12-2008, 09:25 AM
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#4
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
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Ever heard of Byron? I think he wrote a few things for people and he's quite good apparently.
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Crowley, out...
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02-12-2008, 09:34 AM
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#5
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
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never mind...to crit the poem instead criticising the critique...enjoyed most of it but I didn't like the last line much. It could do with something else to finish.
__________________
Crowley, out...
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02-12-2008, 09:46 AM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 236
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Thanks Crowley, Actually I had written it differently, but changed it just before I posted it on here. I will revisit later, and go back to my original.
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02-12-2008, 10:56 AM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Quote:
Originally Posted by citygirl
Silently I kneel by your bed
Lovely images fill my head,
I adore you
love you.
Dare I awaken you before its time wake would flow better and there should be an apostrophe in it's
gently I touch you,
In my heart, I ponder the desire, lose this second "I"
You are dreaming of me.
Your eyelids flutter like butterfly wings,
You're waking, I am shaking,
Leisurely, your eyes partly open
Those blue eyes focus…locks with mine
A smile caresses your sweet face
Our hands meet—I grin. eye is repeated too much in this stanza
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Just a few suggestions |
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02-12-2008, 03:38 PM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,493
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please, don't compare this to Byron.
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02-12-2008, 04:06 PM
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#9
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
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I'm not comparing it to Byron I'm just saying that love poetry has it's merits just as much as anything else. Don't write it off just because it might mean something to people who aren't a member of a book club.
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Crowley, out...
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02-12-2008, 04:16 PM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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Love poetry does have a place but only exceptional love poetry will appeal to a wider audience. I agree with dannyboy in suggesting that you stretch to reach that wider audience.
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02-12-2008, 04:27 PM
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#11
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Scribe
Join Date: Feb 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 61
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perhaps...hmmm...I think I may have overstepped the mark...I do realise citygirl would need to make a good few alterations for this to be "I watched thee when the foe..."
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Crowley, out...
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02-12-2008, 11:18 PM
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#12
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 236
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Thank you Baron, I made changes, and will continue to work on this piece.
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02-12-2008, 11:29 PM
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#13
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: BC Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 236
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Thank you Crowley. I am new to writing poety. And I do admit that I do not know the right or wrong way to write poetry. The only thing I can say is that the words form quickly from inside and I as I hear them I write them.
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02-13-2008, 01:23 AM
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#14
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,493
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no mark overstepped Crowely, I knew what I meant.
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