0% Finance For The First Two Years - Writers Forum

MisterJack · 01-31-2008, 03:13 PM

deleted

Baron · 01-31-2008, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterJack

0% Finance for The First Two Years

Man's broken knuckles beg to rock the Kasbah needs an apostophe
as red meat hangs its death beside the bank clerks seems out of place
collect the cheques and transfer funds to Dinah
meanwhile
we watch the retrial
the night before the harpoons hit the loan sharks
as disinfectant passed
its bite
like wind that blows through castanets as dogs fight
maybe it’s the limelight
or the fright of some delusion of or from? is fear born out of delusion or is delusion something to fear?
that adds to confusion
misinterpret misunderstood diffusion
that could be wrapped in tissue for amusement
this virus of intoxicated humans
diseased, infected, balance transfers users
in monoliths
and pantheons
where empty homes and bankruptcy eludes us should be "elude"
and where needs must
we trust in something tarnished by the ram raids
and fix ourselves with vein constricting band-aid
the green of land has turned into a highway
beside a byway
where motor cars get smashed by men with road rage
the lines extended right outside the foyers
and overdrafts became a shirt of blood chains
so sell your home, consolidate your paydays
because there’s no way
you will get back
on the cash train

.

Another good rant/poem. Just highlighted a few questionable points

FollowingShadow · 01-31-2008, 09:26 PM

I like the ideas and images in this poem. I have a bit of a problem with the language, though. The language play is a bit heavy-handed. Here's what I think (and it's your choice as an artist whether you agree or disagree): say what you want to say and say it simply and clearly. You might be surprised with what comes out. If you let your language flow rather than making a conscious effort to make it to sound smooth, the language play shines on its own.

SteMcGrath · 02-01-2008, 08:50 AM

Hi Jack! A little thrown by your change of style. I feel this piece to be a little too much like a rant. That middle section is a bit clumpy with the rhymes. I always like your voice in a general sense. But I am obliged to compare your work to your best pieces, and I don't feel this is one of them.

To be honest, I love the way you compose the typography in your other work. It's distinct and resonant. I'd try and find a medium ground where you try a new style but keep one of your best assets...

Regards

Ste

MisterJack · 02-01-2008, 09:26 AM

Baron: I've made a few edits. Thanks for pointing out the grammatical errors

FollowingShadow: I'm just experimenting with this format. Not sure it suits me but I want to try as many ways of expressing words as I can. My previous bout of pieces have been very well recieved and I'm comfortable that that style works. This one? Not too sure yet. Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a comment though, it all helps.

Ste: As I said in my reply to FollowingShadow, I'm just trying new stuff. This format may not be for me but I'll keep plugging away at new ideas. I too am fond of the typographical techniques of the previous pieces and maybe I will just stick to working on that format. At the end of the day, I enjoy writing and am willing to give most things a go. Sorry this one didn't work for you and as always, I appreciate you reading and your comments have always proved very important to me.

Thank you all so far for the input. Back to the drawing board??

Jack

Baron · 02-01-2008, 09:57 AM

There's nothing wrong with straight formatting like this as long as you get the enjambment right. This is something that I think that you could work on a little.

Mirror · 02-01-2008, 11:12 AM

I like the primordial imagery and allusions, which lead quite smoothly to the present-day struggle. A sacrifice, almost.
Marvelous lines riddled with subtle contradictions, such as:

red meat hangs to death beside the bank clerks

Magnificent work, once again.

MisterJack · 02-01-2008, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mirror

I like the primordial imagery and allusions, which lead quite smoothly to the present-day struggle. A sacrifice, almost.
Marvelous lines riddled with subtle contradictions, such as:

red meat hangs to death beside the bank clerks

Magnificent work, once again.

Well, that's thrown a spanner in the works

Thank you Mirror. It seems this is a piece that needs to rest before I edit. Mixed views from all angles, all greatly appreciated from those I have the utmost respect for.
Baron, I will think on the line breaks also.

Like a fine scotch, I will let this breathe for a while

Thank you all for your input

Jack

SadLuckDame · 02-01-2008, 07:17 PM

Well I liked it as well, I'm always interested in the harsh, real ~since real is often harsh. I think it reminded me of The Jungle, with a smack in the face, reality. I thought of their "women" sitting in a tiny office, cash in pocket, wanting to buy a home. Snake of a guy, reaching for their hard earned cash...

Anyway, I did notice one spot that I stumbled over, must and trust seem to close together, sort of spins the tongue a tad. But I'll leave it up to the experts to say whether or not that's true. I'm still in the "learning" stages here.

Quote:

and where needs must
we trust in something tarnished by the ram raids

MisterJack · 02-02-2008, 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadLuckDame

Well I liked it as well, I'm always interested in the harsh, real ~since real is often harsh. I think it reminded me of The Jungle, with a smack in the face, reality. I thought of their "women" sitting in a tiny office, cash in pocket, wanting to buy a home. Snake of a guy, reaching for their hard earned cash...

Anyway, I did notice one spot that I stumbled over, must and trust seem to close together, sort of spins the tongue a tad. But I'll leave it up to the experts to say whether or not that's true. I'm still in the "learning" stages here.

Thnks for the vote of confidence SadLuckDame. The piece is riddled with rhymes/half rhymes on purpose, so the 'us' sound was intentionaly placed

Thanks for reading and commenting, as I said, I'm going to let this settle for a while and see what to do with it after a break

Jack

SadLuckDame · 02-02-2008, 09:43 AM

My apologies Jack, I'm finding out that some of these are intentionally placed. Bah, I have much to learn yet. I'll soon catch on.