SadLuckDame

First my apologies for having two poems submitted one after the other, I wouldn't normally. But here is this one I pulled together today. The critiques have been very helpful on my others, and it is much appreciated. When you have the time, if a few could look this one over as well. Thanks in advance.


Mama thought you grew up right
Papa's doll baby, all his pride
never kiss and tell
Oh hell! Keep a straight face
pretend your innocence
"Ma it's just a date
and the boy goes to
Law School"

What a good girl
primp and cool
eyes vague
Well hidden, actress
severe
drinking wine with the girls
just ain't happening
giving no upper hands to see inside
paper doll, good as ma

Beauty queen, on stage dream
batting lashes, vaseline lips
threading brows, cheeks and lip
fingers parade in a dance
one leg crosses other
while walking runways
spot the guys, off to side
whisper softly as you walk by
elevator to second floor
meet behind his bedroom door,
#244
peel her silk stockings down slow
long, lean, sleek legs
pedicure
brazilian wax, exfoliated, store bought tan
perfection!

pamper and spoil her, boys
just don't let on,
you met
pretty beauty will say "it's all lies!"
She's gonna keep up everyone's pride
calm and collected
be a rich mans' bride

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

Mirror

You've done it again Sad, with that voice and style I have come to appreciate more than you might think.

Yet another piece with a lyrical quality in addition to a satirical layer, as evinced by the last stanza as well as the imagery.

The recurring motif in your work: a young woman, usually in her teens, with delusions of grandiosity, sometimes hit by the cold, naked truth - at other times, you allow no room for falsifiability, as in this particular piece.

Once again, my only suggestion would be cut down on some of the filler words so as to enhance flow.

pamper and spoil her, boys
just don't let on you met (perhaps a comma after 'on' so as to not to let syntactic ambiguities arise?)

I enjoyed it.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

Baron

I can't really add anything to what Mirror has said. Good poem

__________________

apple

I'm a fan, SLD. I love your voice. It's wonderfully concise, colorful, sassy. Your character just shines. Great work.

I don't know how Mirror has such an ability to critique so expressivly and insightfully. I hold her in awe.

SadLuckDame

Mirror you are fantastic toward my growing knowledge of poetry. I think very highly of your opinion. Many thank yous, I know my style isn't easily excepted or enjoyed by many, so even that you brave to read it is wonderful. Very happy to hear you like it too.
I changed a few things to lighten it up, and I'll go back and lighten more here and there. I'm hoping to grow a very elderly, Grandma type character by next poem, but it is slightly tricky to pop on those shoes. Still, I have a love for my Grandmothers, and hope I can find their voices. I need to break away from the messy girl, so I don't over do it.

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

SadLuckDame

Thank you for the read Baron!
Apple she is excellent in this area, a natural at poetry, jumping out of her finger tips with imagery and draws the reader right into the scene.
I just love Mirror's work, her pieces are beautiful, and critiques so appreciated.
And thank you Apple, very happy you liked this one as well. I'm wanting to see more of your pieces, as that last one still dances around in my mind.

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll