dannyboy

Marriage

Life undulates and remains, however –
or is that despite
the misgivings of centuries -
close to the river.

From Han Oi to Sai Gon
life spans
rickety monkey bridges
made from bamboo
poles - imprinted with the fast
feet of children
and boats
threatening to become
drifting wood;
connects people across, or along,
the water.

Water that catches the sun
light, like
a silver platter beneath the grey sky.

Water
filled
with silver fish that leap, flash
like knives behind the Throne.

Brown water, slow
to
move, or swift always with the water lily
that unfolds the pink flower
in perfect Origami sudden as a young wife’s
first orgasm.

Baron

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FollowingShadow

Your language and imagery is beautiful, there's no doubt. What wonderful verse. The first stanza is wonderfully complex; the last, wonderfully simple. Awesome.

I do, however, agree with Baron about the enjambment and not just in that one area. S3L2 doesn't sit well with me, nor does S5L2 (especially S5L2; why the emphasis on the article?). You're very purposeful with your artistic decisions, but I can't divine these.

This isn't critique, just curiosity: what is the allusion behind 'Throne'?

dannyboy

thank you both

that however, yes I am unsure of it now, liked it when I did it because it didn't go anywhere, a change of thought for the N but now...

The Throne is playing on marriage of King to the Land/water and land/ People to water/betrayal in love...

I am happy with the enjambment on this piece, how the break makes the R work (I hope) slows the R down or makes use of multiple associations with a word (eg light - sunlight - not heavy- mocks)

that last enjambment might be too much my own mind and might not work for readers - I wanted a break there hoping the reader was expecting clothes/temper or some such (both things I toyed with) and not orgasm which then comes on suddenly (as mentioned before the enjambment).

thank you both - I really like this one so I'll keep thinking about what you've said and see what happens.

SadLuckDame

Being a lady, I rather liked that ending just as it was. The only area I wasn't sure on, was the sun with light, like on the following line.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll