SadLuckDame

Would love to get some critiques if anyone is willing. It feels like the ending may be a little weak, so I'll go back over it and see if I like it tomorrow.


She said "Honey I'll be your toy!"
girlie giggling, trouble seeking
likes mysterious man
wicked grin, teeth real white
pressed squeaky clean
thinking always
he's gonna teach me right
wind her up, watch the
spin, spin,

sweet darlin' doesn't look pretty now
wailing, balling, whining
temper tantrums...
two black circles under baby blue eyes
Oh! girl what a sin
always lets her emotions flip
flop. Bad boy!
twinkles in dark eyes
he likes this too much, happy
wicked
enjoying dumb girls
falling all over him

What a pretty
gonna be heartbroken
Watch the frown
soft pink lips curling down,
Little lady
did you think it was going to be such fun?
stupid paranoia!
How's it feeling doll?
Gotch' your worries, that's about all
gave in to his tormenting games,
Hey! Blame you!
saying, "Play with me!"
silly girl
with so many willing women...

Here now it'll be alright
comb your hair out soft,
long, down over small shoulders
dry those eyes, dress up special
Nice girl show some leg,
keep biting that lip,
dash blush on teary cheeks
love him up till he puts you out
Hey! a boy needs his toys
bad man has you girl
naughty laughter
and plenty more

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

Mirror

Sad Luck Dame, you certainly have a strong voice (which evokes mood) - frenetic and breathless as if fretful to pause. I love that. This piece contains some lyricism, too, partly due to slang; a song quality might have been the intention (or a parody). Good assonance and consonance in various places.

Since you seek help for the ending (last stanza, I take it), I'll offer a few suggestions:


Here now it'll be alright
comb your hair out all soft, (perhaps omit 'all' for flow?)
long, down over small shoulders
dry those eyes, dress up special
Nice girl show some leg,|keep biting that lip, (You may want to break this line; it dangles.)
dash blush on those teary cheeks
love him up till he puts you out
Hey! a boy needs to have their toys (There's an inconsistency in noun-pronoun agreement. It should be 'his toys' unless it's referring to the girls' toys that a boy needs to possess. In either case, I would clear up the ambiguity.)
bad man has you girl
and plenty more (I like the end verse, although you might want to tidy it up a bit.)

Just a few technicalities. Cut a few filler words in the other stanza, as well.

I truly enjoyed this piece. Keep writing!

Best,
Mirror

__________________
Where the barmen have their names etched in salt; earthy and honest like their fathers. -- MisterJack

Baron

In S2 L9 "to" should be "too". "their" shoule be "his". Some good suggestions from Mirror. With some tidying up this will be a good piece.

__________________

SadLuckDame

Thank you much Mirror and Baron. The suggestions really helped clean up that ending for me, flows smoother now. I liked that "and plenty more" too, but it was lacking something, so I added the "naughty laughter" to help bring it to its end.
Mirror I can't believe how helpful omitting that "all" was to bring back the flow.

I had this ending as well that I was toying around with.

Here now it'll be alright
comb your hair out all soft, curl it light
long, down over small shoulders
dry those eyes, dress up special
Nice girl show some leg,
keep biting that lip,
dash blush on those teary cheeks
love him up till he puts you out
What a sad mess,
batting eyes, stick out your hip
Hey! a boy needs to have his toys
bad man has you girl
and plenty more

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

apple

Your characters spark to life in this poem. Very effective. I really enjoy reading this style.

FollowingShadow

I agree with Mirror. The speaker's voice in this piece is very compelling and the style is so unique. I think it's one of the biggest compliments a reader can give a writer, to say they have voice. There is certainly voice in this piece.

Reading this piece out loud I had trouble with a few line breaks-- sometimes there isn't continuity of thought between lines. For example, S3 L1-2:

I'm not sure I make the connection between those two lines. Perhaps 'watch' could be capitalized? There are other places where continuity is also an issue.

Thanks for sharing. =)

SadLuckDame

Thank you Apple and FollowingShadow. I went back in and fixed the Watch, but I think I sort of throw poems out dramatically, so it has a chaos to it. I'm new to all of this and still attempting to work out "my" style. The critiques are helping me grasp this "poem writing" stuff. Hee Hee. Thank you so much for the compliments on the "voice" this character had (Mirror, Following). It is a good feeling to know I could breath some life into them, enough anyway.

__________________
Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll