Morning of the Magicians - Writers Forum

Baron · 01-27-2008, 04:07 PM

removed for publishing reasons

Edgewise · 01-27-2008, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Morning of the Magicians.

Morning of the magi
brings omens of the end,
nations vainly rage;
no-one really counts
the dead.
Turmoil feeds the media ,
false kings make their stand,
unseen puppet-ears
rule their kingdoms in their stead. Pretty good opening here.

Politics
a seething quagmire,
the world enflamed and no-one sees, I think you should expand on the idea of a lack of realization, rather than move on, or at least incorporate the next few lines into a later stanza.
few attempt to put out the fire
or put to rights
the Earth's dis-ease. You preempted me Baron! I was planning to use "dis-ease" in a piece of mine later one.

Manipulation’s dawning
as crowds fall by the way,
precipitous revivals
call a cult of self Dig this line.
along dead-end streets Dig this part.
where free speech means nought to say,
spoon-fed by a faceless few
who govern by stealth. Cool stanza.

Folly’s voice
makes the loudest sound
and few there are I believe a shift in wording is in order here...
who hear the cry,
while falling
blindly to the ground,
lost truth and found
no alibi. This whole stanza reads oddly. The words make sense, and the ideas are valid, but the structure renders it difficult to read.

Lies rest sweetly on the tongue,
easy to digest,
no need to think
or question,
to move with the flow
down the plughole of destruction Cool section.
with all the rest.
Some
will find the better way,
most will never know.

“Do what thou wilt”
betrayal at a banquet
laid for fools;
Deity they scorned
brought their temple crashing down,
epitaph is written
on fields of bloody pools,
terror strikes all
before they’re crushed
upon the ground. Meh...

It’s just a myth,
a lost host say, "says"
two thousand years and all’s the same, "It's all"
so where then
is the promised day? You can combine this and the previous line into one.

Did the thief arrange a date
before he came? Good finish, but something about it doesn't quite fit the feel of the rest of the piece

This was alright Baron. Nothing exceptional in my opinion, though I did like the first half or so. It just seemed to peter out by the end. Parts of it felt rushed, as if you wanted to either finish it altogether or continue on to the next portion.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 01-27-2008, 07:36 PM

I think this is fantastic. There are some similarities with the poem that I wrote called "Free" do you remember that one, baron? I can't put my finger on what exactly other than the feeling that the rebellious essence is very similar. Needless to say, I enjoy this style of aggressive, unrestrained voice.

Ilasir Maroa · 01-27-2008, 11:54 PM

The length makes it feel a bit loose, but otherwise, a nice piece. Merry part.

Baron · 01-28-2008, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edgewise

This was alright Baron. Nothing exceptional in my opinion, though I did like the first half or so. It just seemed to peter out by the end. Parts of it felt rushed, as if you wanted to either finish it altogether or continue on to the next portion.

This is first draft and possibly open to some editting. I've picked at it a little since your post and will give some thought to your comments.

vangoghsear · 01-28-2008, 07:18 AM

I like it so far. Powerful piece. I like the "dis-ease" line and the overall magician image.

Blue Shades · 01-28-2008, 07:21 AM

Eventhough I am not in to politics, I have read the entire poem.

The fifth stanza is my favourite.

Baron · 01-28-2008, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mermaid on the breakwater

I think this is fantastic. There are some similarities with the poem that I wrote called "Free" do you remember that one, baron? I can't put my finger on what exactly other than the feeling that the rebellious essence is very similar. Needless to say, I enjoy this style of aggressive, unrestrained voice.

I'm doing a search on that poem. Thanks for reading and commenting, glad you like it.

Baron · 01-28-2008, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

The length makes it feel a bit loose, but otherwise, a nice piece. Merry part.

Just don't be away too long. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

MisterJack · 01-31-2008, 10:35 AM

Stanzas 1-5 read very well indeed. After that it loses it's power. There's some great lines in this as usual and the rhythm feels tight.

Just that ending, as I see it's already been said by others.

Good read, look forward to the edit

Jack

SadLuckDame · 01-31-2008, 12:35 PM

Looks great Baron, I enjoyed this the best.

Quote:

Lies rest sweetly on the tongue,
easy to digest,
no need to think
or question,
to move with the flow
down the plughole of destruction
with all the rest.
Some
will find the better way,
most will never know.

Baron · 01-31-2008, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SadLuckDame

Looks great Baron, I enjoyed this the best.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

apple · 01-31-2008, 04:15 PM

You always write quite well. but this one does not weave and sway in it's rhyme. I suppose because it is political and dry (to me) When I read it aloud or to my self it just feels flat, with an emptiness in between. I'm sorry Baron, but I quess I'm just one of those "la la land" kind of people.
I wonder if changing the format might spark it a little?

Baron · 01-31-2008, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apple

You always write quite well. but this one does not weave and sway in it's rhyme. I suppose because it is political and dry (to me) When I read it aloud or to my self it just feels flat, with an emptiness in between. I'm sorry Baron, but I quess I'm just one of those "la la land" kind of people.
I wonder if changing the format might spark it a little?

I did format this for visual prompts rather than aural. It was originally written in metered form and then broken. I'll give some thought to what you're saying and may play around with the enjambment a little.

Baron · 02-01-2008, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vangoghsear

I like it so far. Powerful piece. I like the "dis-ease" line and the overall magician image.

Thanks for the comment, Van, as always. I've made a couple of modifications to the format.