SadLuckDame

This is one I wrote quite a bit ago, it was long, drawn out sentences almost like the last I had done. So I've given this lots of trimming, and freshened it up a bit, added a different taste too. Hoping to get some critiques, how to improve it for my style. Please and thank yous, sugar on top.




You touch my face
my laughs, your laughs
rolling endlessly
lazily about the bed
wrapped up in words, giggles,
read to me
any book
pages flip
engrossed as your lips move
tossing about funny poetry
Budha, mountains, people be good
Mexico, pray, take a walk on Maple today
There's you
cheeks bunch off to the sides,
dimpled,
lift of an eye brow,
teasingly.
Wait tormenting!
A strong face, easy smile, happy eyes,

You write to me
wanting notes again
my crazy thoughts,
words go out chaotically
you burst out laughing
aHa! Liked it,
Maybe
you hated it
write it down on the back of my hand
I watch the blue ink,
wet, glossy scroll out across my skin
my words to you,
inked, smudged spots
hand smears it,
it is on you, on me,
words are blue
your witty sayings, fantastic words,
Cherished
I can mark them across your palm
show I think of you

'cause with you
nothing crippling me
nor fiend creeping up,
an algid whisper behind,
Tell him I'll not be immured alive again!
just me curled up to you,
lost
Bah! I'm nuts
I've invoked your image
Why can't this be real
Why aren't you?

You fade from me
I pout
distracting hum, life floods in,
pulls you from my embrace
phone rings, I must answer it
clock ticks
dragging me off
down streets; details
making desires a fancy,
whim
I don't know you
Tis better you just go
conjuring you
was mere insanity

Edit~removing extras

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

DavidBetzer

I think this could be edited down a little more, look for the most striking of the images and expand on them a little.

SadLuckDame

It does seem long to me still too. I struggle so much with that. I'll get back to it and reduce some more. Thank you David for some extra direction. I appreciate it.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

Mirror

I appreciate the breathless tone and haphazardness of this piece; yet, I feel that you could insert more showing (as opposed to telling) images, such as:

cheeks bunch off to the sides,
dimpled,
lift of an eye brow

Really like this detail.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

SadLuckDame

Mirror when I read your poetry, I see just that, and it is beauty. But it is very difficult to accomplish. I had no idea I had talked so much until I set myself to trimming my poetry. I'm determined though, and soon maybe it won't take such effort, but be more natural. Thanks so much by the way, it's helping.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

Wishing4Rain

I really like this, though it could use some trimming. Or another option, make the lines longer. In almost all line breaks you had, you could have had the following line part of the previous. That might have been a bit confusing, so I'll give an example.

"phone rings,
I must answer it
clock ticks
dragging me off
down streets
details"

Could be

"phone rings, I must answer it
clock ticks, dragging me off
down streets; details

You had some powerful imagery and words, this was my favorite part.

"write it down on the back of my hand
I watch the blue ink,
wet, glossy scroll out across my skin
my words to you,
inked, smudged spots
hand smears it,
it is on you, on me,"

Great imagery and that had power in it also, I loved it. With some revising, this can be a great piece, it's good already.

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"A writer without crticque, is nothing"

"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."

SadLuckDame

That does look much neater, I adjusted a few of those last lines. Although I still left "details" hanging out all alone yet, but it seemed to disappear for me when I looked at it next to "down street". Thank you for the great critique Wishing4Rain and sound advice. I think the poem is much tidier now.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

vangoghsear

Not a lot of imagery, but the telling is entertaining. A nice slice of life recollection. I like that it is a love poem without becoming a butterflies and sunshine piece. The first stanza made me smile. Could be better, but has some nice imagery (needs some more of the same quality images).

I really like the beginning of this, keep working on it, it could be very good.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.