DavidBetzer

(to quiet my voices)



Upon the opaque notes
of the Cello
I drift, a body caught on
thick waters, where the Jordan empties
lifeless.

From that sea,
from that torrid sea,
the Kraken rises obdurate,
to obliterate the song,
and quiet its conductor
fearfully.

Play on,
play on chorus of the muse,
narrate with your voices,
the destruction of the city,
by the sea.

I will tip-toe
among the cutting glass,
bled upon the waters of your
sea, and my tears will
find their cousins
in the sea.

Upon the strained notes
of the violin
I will drown the screaming voices,
victims of the Kraken, in the sea.

Dream onward,
dream onward of the quiet,
let the notes rest quiet
as the sea,
and let the voices sleep,
let them sleep--
on the moonlit waters
of the sea.

Kind of going for a nursery rhyme bedtime song feel.
---------------------------------revision in process? any crits?--------

A Mantra of Sea



(to quiet voices)
upon the opaque notes
of Cello
I drift, a body caught on
thick waters,
where the Jordan
empties
lifeless.

“From that sea,
from that torrid sea,
the Kraken rises obdurate,
to obliterate the song,
and quiet its conductor
fearfully.”

Play on,
play on chorus of the muse,
narrate with your voices,
the destruction of the city,
by the sea.

“I will tip-toe
among the cutting glass,
bled upon the waters of your
sea, and my tears will
find their cousins
in the sea.”

Upon the strained notes
of Violin
I will drown
the screaming voice,
victim of the Kraken,
in the sea.

“Dream onward,
dream onward of the quiet,
let the notes rest quiet
as the sea,
and let the voices sleep,
let them sleep--
on the moonlit waters
of the sea.”

thanks apple for giving me the courage to say I like it this way too. Only minor changes.

Baron

I think that this is potentially another good one. My main nit with this is the frequent repetition of the word "sea". There are a few better word choices that could be used. I think that you should strip this one down a little.

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DavidBetzer

I think you're right about the sea usage, it was just so soothing to write, and I'm dealing with the immediacy of the voices by mesmerizing myself through repetition of the phrase. I wanted to get it out here to see where I should go. Kinda scary for me, I think the repition drowns out the immediacy of the monster, and I want him to be a little more focused. thanks for the input, you helped me realize where I want to go with this. Todah rabbah Baron.

Mirror

I understand the lulling quality you are trying to inject. I do, however, feel that it can be better conveyed without repetition (rather let the verses give the feel of repetition or perpetuity.)

*


my tears will
find their cousins
in the sea.


This will image will stay with me. Not because it is untapped, but because many have tried to capture that salinity connection laconically and failed.

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DavidBetzer

thank you both for your comments, I haven't changed much, but I think its headed in the right direction. The two things I try to stay away from, repetition and rhyme, and they are both showing up like red headed step children in this one. It'll take a while, but now that the anxiety I wrote it with has passed, I hope I can focus and get it finished tonight.

SadLuckDame

It felt calming, yet sad, both of which I like. Great emotion in it.

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Well, it was a nice check, Kitty, and really I might have won, if it hadn't been for that nasty Knight, that came wriggling down among my pieces. Kitty, dear, let's pretend -- -" And here I wish I could tell you half the things Alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase "Let's pretend."
written by Lewis Carroll

Eiji Tunsinagi

It did have a very calm feeling, aside from the content. So that is a success.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

apple

What do I know, but I found the original version, beautiful, lulling, soothing. I don't see anything wrong with repeating a line or word if it fits the tone and feel of the poem. Which, in this case, I think it does.

DavidBetzer

I've courageously relied on the minority opinion, and made a minor change so that the Cello, Chorus, and Violin act as distinct voices, with commentary between. I like it this way. I hope some one else does. Any suggestions?

vangoghsear

I like it DaveyB. I think that the repetition does work in this. The rhymes seem natural and just help the movement nothing seems forced to me. As has been noted, it's soothing yet moody.

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Wishing4Rain

I like this, personally I think the repition does work in this piece, but it would be improved without the repitition. The rhymes do seem natural as Vangogshear pointed out. I also agree, it is soothing yet moody.

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"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."