Fraxinus

Hi everyone. This is my first offering, I hope you like it.

----------------------------------------------------

Defensive Crouch.

Poor little girl.
Stupid
little
good for nothing.
Pathetic.
Come and have a go
'cos I know
you're hard
enough.
Come and have a go
'cos you know
I am a
pushover.
One day,
you'll be
sorry.
One day,
I'll hit back but
not today.
No,
today
I'll just let it happen.
Again.
And again.
Where
is my backbone?

DavidBetzer

Sounds like you met my ex-wife. I don't know if the imagery or the emotion are strong enough in this, tell it like it is, that bitch has you riding half crazed drunk and jumping trains to get away, down in a bottle escaping to live full throttle on self destructive hate, all because of the guilt, encased in a hurt that cannot love. (I'm sure she was a dove) In someone else's eyes. But now she's eating where she shits, and shitting quite a bit, attracting flies. Swat that hoe with your poetry, its the one place where you can grow a pair without having to. Of course, do it to a man, and don't really grow a pair, cause that is scientifically impossible.

Fraxinus

Thanks for your comment, David.

The poem is not meant to be read as a wife/husband beater, but rather as how a child feels when they are bullied at school.

DavidBetzer

Then shove a My Little Pony or a Polly Pocket up that bullies arse! I don't know if come and have a go is strong enough language to be repeated, maybe work around that area. Just a suggestion.

Pete_C

Come and have a go ... Tis a Hingerlish thing, DavidB!

Nice ending, cleanly written, just maybe (and it is a maybe) needs a bit more meat around its midriff?

Fraxinus

Yep, as Pete C said, it's an English thing. Sorry 'bout that.

Pete C - how do you mean, more meat? More of what will happen 'one day'? (When I read that I instantly started thinking 'mete out revenge'!)

Pete_C

No, more of what you are feeling in the moment. More brutal honesty, more confusion, more hurt. The emotions here are minimal, but they should surely be much more complex.

I was never bullied, being a odd-in-the-head bastard, but my brother was. I remember remarking to him that it can't have been that bad, just the occasional moment of fear, and he told me how it used to eat away at him, even when no one was around, a perpetual mixture of sickness and fear and self-loathing. He used to prepare conversations in his head over and over again so if he was confronted he could try and steer things away from himself.

Ironically, I sorted out his bullies for him, and he went on to become a bully himself!

ieuan

Frax, your poem works if it ellicits a strong response, I see it set David off with quite a buzz, and me thinking he was so sweet.

Talking about bullies, they don't like having their teeth broken, they dislike the taste of their own blood in their mouths, pain in their own body distracts them, and they generally like easy victims. (Not that I accuse anyone in this thread of beinga bully)

It's a fine line between being a victim, for a man that is, and becoming a bully. Once a victim experiences the heady heights of success in deflating/ mangling a bully he can quite eaily become one himself. I don't know about women in this equation, but in men it is as I stated.

Bullying equates with anyone in a position of power abusing that power for his/her own senseless gratification. Letting our prejudices turn into hatred of another soul simply because he is what he is and believes in what he does is mindless and dare I suggest, depraved.

Responding too savagely to a critisism can take on a bullying tone, we are all prone to it, it's the depravity of the 'Fall' coming out in us. Often standing up to bullies is an exercise in moral courage. Dare we stand up and attract more of the same. Being a victim attracts other bullies and it can lead to a feeding frenzy, I like that phrase having seen sharks feed on harmless little fish hiding in the coral. The frenzy of activity turns up lots of juicy morsals for the sharks and bullies like it that way too.

When they attack in the pack their own contribution is painful but the victim is surrounded by so many he cannot focus on retaliating and so it is safer for the pack pully to engage that way. Yes, it's the law of the jungle and only the strong survive.

Sibling bully each other, parents bully their offsring, teachers too, children savage weak teachers, bosses too. Ministers and preachers bully their flocks, wives bully and nag husbands and husbands that give up on being decent may choose to elbow a nagging wife. It's all so easy to do.

It takes moral courage to love, be reasonable, refrain from barbed remarks, do no harm, respond as gently as a dove. It takes a lifetimes practise with little reward, and yet it is the only way, in the end it is satisfying to the soul.

But I liked your poem, it's raw, it shows the truth, it is brave.

regards

Ieuan

Fraxinus

Pete - Okay, I know what you mean now. At the same time, I don't know if I could put more in it now, I'd feel like it was forced then. This wasn't written as a poem originally, just as a block of text for me to work some ideas around for a back story for an idea for a novel (which never really went anywhere!) a few years ago. I found it the other day and though it would work well as a poem.

Ieuan - thank you for your comments. I am glad you liked the poem.

DavidBetzer

I think sometimes a poem is supposed to feel forced but not look it. I liken the idea to the stomach flu and the edit to bulimia.

Fraxinus

Okay, I've taken on what you've said, and here is a re-write. I'm not sure if it strengthens it though.

Defensive Crouch.

Poor little girl.
Stupid
little
good for nothing.
Pathetic.
Come and have a go
'cos I know
you're hard
enough.
Come and have a go
'cos you know
I am a
pushover.
Come and have a go
'cos your words
pack a punch
as hard as your
kick.

Remember
the words you said;
"How can anyone hate
her?"

Ask
your fists.
Ask
your feet.
Ask
your whipping
tongue.


One day,
you'll be
sorry.
One day,
you won't see
me
coming.
One day,
I'll hit back but
not today.
No,
today
I'll just let it happen.
Again.
And again.
Where
is my backbone?

Pete_C

I like whipping tongue. It gives an impression of being both verbal and painful. It also has so many other images, the whipping post, a whipping boy, and so on. It ends that stanza well because it accentuates the hurt. Nice little add.

DavidBetzer

Shows how much I know, I said less on the repeating and you did more, and juxtaposing the three times you said come and have a go, with the three times you said ask your, and one day made it stronger! Breaking it up helped a great deal too. Much improved over the original.

Fraxinus

Hmmm, so it's true. Things work better in threes!

Thanks again for the comments

ieuan

Frax, I think David is getting sweet on you. Just a thought.