rika_luna

I stare out the window
And watch the birds fly.
I long to be one of them,
To choose my own by and by.

But I am trapped inside
This dysfunctional form,
Unable to express emotion,
Unable to soar.

I would cry,
If I knew how,
But am forced, instead, to sit and wish.
It is all I can do for now.

One day, I shall be free.
My soul shall rise from my mortal cage.
I must be patient as
I await that day.

The bird stares at me.
Its eyes reflect my sorrow.
It flies away; my world becomes dark,
As I sit and wait for another tomorrow.

__________________
Fall Seven Times, Stand Eight~Japanese Proverb

Ilasir Maroa

The emotion you want to convey comes through easily enough, but it lacks the power and possibly grit I would expect from such a piece. perhaps my standards are just too high.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

DavidBetzer

I think you could make this piece more universally appealing if you brought it out of its self centered-ness and spoke of the silent screaming and despair you were trying to display in a more universal form.

dannyboy

the problem for me is twofold

first I do not belive in your understanding of an autistic person. It does not ring true and above all what we say must ring true (this is not helped by that horrible ending of the first stanza just to match a rhyme with fly).

secondly how trite to say someone's life will be better when they are dead. In this expression you have captured the very essence of what I hate about belief in an 'afterlife' (or should I say one of the many things I hate). I would love this if the poet was trying to show how inane it is to tell someone their life will be better when they are dead (brilliant social engineering, horrific humanity) but I fear you mean this.

danny.

IsEverybodyIn89

I don't know what it is like to be a person with Autism, and this poem doesn't give me any kind of feeeling of what it would be like. There isn't any emotion I guess, or realism. I feel like that when I see birds though.

DavidBetzer

I've seen a lot of work like this at Allpoetry.com, and poetry.com. But I don't know if it belongs to this forum. If it is a first edit or a rough sketch, then I say plug away, you'll get it. Take a look at it, ask yourself why you used the words you did, whether other words might make a stronger impression. Make your poem autistic if you have to, but by G-d let it breathe.

Logos

It's a good idea, I personally wanted to tackle this concept a while ago, but I discarded the idea because of the obvious problems. The human condition of being autistic is such an intesely personal experience that no matter what angle you take (you didn't take any angle whatsoever by the way) you can't win. Birds......... these ellipses are me rubbing my nose, shaking my head and sighing. There are things in life that are not truely clean that are sensationalized in our media as sterile things. Examples: Sex. Being Old. Being Autistic. There are gritty, "icky" elements to things like those that are REAL, yet underrepresented in the mainstream media we are exposed to. That is why my friend, when those "icky" details that people downplay, the ugly side, the aftermath are presented to us, the reality of the situation falls on us, and forces us to feel. I know it sounds a little gay but it's true.

__________________
"I think, therefore I am confused"
-Robert Anton Wilson

DavidBetzer

Logos love the disclaimer at the end, lol.

rika_luna

LOL I get it, it's a terrible poem. Indeed, this is one of the firsts I've done so I wasn't expecting too much. LOL. I'll edit it sometime and repost it. Thanks so much.

__________________
Fall Seven Times, Stand Eight~Japanese Proverb

DavidBetzer

rika, your response tot he crits in here shows you have potential, don't give up

Eiji Tunsinagi

I think you need to put more imagination into it. Yes. Let it breathe. Let it become something from your memory, your minds eye. Dig? (OK forgive the dig. I'm trying to be serious. You need to shoot some imagery into this to individualize it.)

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

vangoghsear

I think this idea is fantastic. The execution is weak. I think, since this is written from the point of view of an autistic person, you need to know what that means. Then show us what they see/hear/think in the poem. Repetition, disjointed yet fixated attention, quick passages of almost gibberish could all be used to make this an interesting piece of writing.

Could read something like:


I Stare.

Out the window.
I Stare out the window.

six birds. seven now
onemorelanded.

now six.
in three trees.

One flew.
sixstilloneflewone is flying

I wonder where?
I lean forward
I stare
at the one flying.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

DavidBetzer

Ach Van Gogh, you made the poem autistic!

Autumn

I wrote a poem a bit like this when i was very very young, starting 'I the face that gazes out' and i think the simplicity, specialy in the 1st stanza gives a strong impression of innocence's perception- what confused me was the poem being presented in the first person, but describing states of soul and emotion that this particular 1st person wouldn't- my suggestion would be to either describe these states in a totaly different way through the autistic 1st person or to use a different voice?
...only an opinion, this piece definately made me think!

Logos

owned.

__________________
"I think, therefore I am confused"
-Robert Anton Wilson