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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
01-21-2008, 12:57 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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No Rounds, No Rules
deleted
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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Last edited by MisterJack : 02-09-2008 at 05:12 PM.
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01-21-2008, 01:11 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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I don't think that the use of the expletive three times within a few lines on this is adding anything to this.
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01-21-2008, 01:26 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I don't think that the use of the expletive three times within a few lines on this is adding anything to this.
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I wasn't overly keen on them either. Replaced. 
Does that read better?
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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01-21-2008, 01:54 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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is this the way that you meant it? A definite improvement. |
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01-21-2008, 01:56 PM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
is this the way that you meant it?
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 Not sure I understand the question
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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01-21-2008, 02:01 PM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
Not sure I understand the question |
Just wondering if you meant "the" or "it".
I'm a bit disappointed, I must confess, I thought that this was going to be a meaty on about Gypsy fist fighting.  |
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01-21-2008, 02:04 PM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Just wondering if you meant "the" or "it".
I'm a bit disappointed, I must confess, I thought that this was going to be a meaty on about Gypsy fist fighting. |
Yes, I meant 'the' means, as in 'funds' etc.
Don't fret Baron, I have just the piece lined up for you , 'coming soon'! 
Thanks for reading. The flow's ok on this then?
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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01-21-2008, 02:08 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Dec 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 243
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I really enjoyed it Jack, very well written. I always enjoy reading your work. As of now I have no crit's, though I'm not entirely focused on this right now...
"you’re not Houdini
____no chance to escape
___or use a curtain
to disguise illusion
if you don't improve the means
_________________you’re fucked"
Absolutely brilliant, original in my opinion. The last line was like a final chord in a song, a slight pause then a finishing note. Brilliant work Jack.
__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"
"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."
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01-21-2008, 02:10 PM
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#9
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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No problem with the flow. Another good read.
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01-21-2008, 04:24 PM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wishing4Rain
I really enjoyed it Jack, very well written. I always enjoy reading your work. As of now I have no crit's, though I'm not entirely focused on this right now...
"you’re not Houdini
____no chance to escape
___or use a curtain
to disguise illusion
if you don't improve the means
_________________you’re fucked"
Absolutely brilliant, original in my opinion. The last line was like a final chord in a song, a slight pause then a finishing note. Brilliant work Jack.
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Thanks for that Wishing4Rain. I appreciate you taking the time to read and am glad you liked it so much 
Cheers
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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01-22-2008, 10:58 AM
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#11
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
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This deceives from line one. It starts off with a stagger, and just when you think it's going to lull and maybe slow it takes off with a rollicking pace that is infectious. Then it rattles along until its grandstand finale, dragging the reader on a fucked up journey that's both fun and frantic.
If I was going to pick me a nit or two, they would be these. It's too short; I wanted that journey to run and run. Secondly, I think the mention of the lovely maths bitch money-grabbing honey-arsed Ms Vorderman might limit the appeal of this work to those not aware of the slack lady in question.
However, that classic first verse from so long ago aside, I think this is the best you've done because it really takes off, and the reader can't fight it!
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01-22-2008, 02:03 PM
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#12
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Thanks Baron, always reassuring to hear.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete_C
This deceives from line one. It starts off with a stagger, and just when you think it's going to lull and maybe slow it takes off with a rollicking pace that is infectious. Then it rattles along until its grandstand finale, dragging the reader on a fucked up journey that's both fun and frantic.
If I was going to pick me a nit or two, they would be these. It's too short; I wanted that journey to run and run. Secondly, I think the mention of the lovely maths bitch money-grabbing honey-arsed Ms Vorderman might limit the appeal of this work to those not aware of the slack lady in question.
However, that classic first verse from so long ago aside, I think this is the best you've done because it really takes off, and the reader can't fight it!
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Wow, Thanks for that Pete. After the last one you commented on I was curious as to what you may say here.
I'm chuffed to bits mate. You don't mince your words so this enhances it even more.
I am going to put a little note at the bottom for those who don't know Miss Vorderman and her sex/selling skills.
As for making it longer? I don't know if I will or not, I don't want to lose the potency but I may tinker with an idea I have to throw in.
Cheers again
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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01-22-2008, 02:31 PM
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#13
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterJack
Thanks Baron, always reassuring to hear.
Wow, Thanks for that Pete. After the last one you commented on I was curious as to what you may say here.
I'm chuffed to bits mate. You don't mince your words so this enhances it even more.
I am going to put a little note at the bottom for those who don't know Miss Vorderman and her sex/selling skills.
As for making it longer? I don't know if I will or not, I don't want to lose the potency but I may tinker with an idea I have to throw in.
Cheers again
Jack |
I am reminded of the adage, "always leave the audience wanting more."  |
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01-23-2008, 08:49 AM
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#14
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I am reminded of the adage, "always leave the audience wanting more." |
I am bearing that in mind 
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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