A mist filled forest in the night,
Shadowed mansion in the twilight.
I stand alone within the rain,
Beneath the trees where shadows fall,
Yet feel the pain that sears so deep
From edge of lights that promised warmth.
My home, my life, I cannot see,
Nor can my tears bring back the sight.

This welcome is one I can’t accept,
And darkness now something I can‘t reject.

A storm lashed city in the night,
Shadowed forms within the twilight.
My laughter simply draws them near.
I have no fear of mortal breath,
Of death so quickly here and gone,
But what I fear I can’t refuse.
They’ve gathered ‘round these thieves of life;
They know not what they chose to fight.

I laughed with pain as I watched them come,
I cried for the dead as I watched them run.

A wind whipped desert in the night,
Shadowed sand dunes in the twilight.
I stand alone within the wind.
The wild creatures and men both run,
From one who takes a life to live,
Who does not walk by light of day,
And has not a heart that beats
In chest unbound by ties of night.

Alone within the darkness I strive
To have company with something alive.

A quiet mountain in the night,
Shadowed boulders in the twilight.
And I, unbound from grasping time,
Yet leashed between my death and life,
Have I become a haunt to them?
Unclean, a sin; they hunt me down,
They follow me for fear or fame,
For gold they force me into flight.

The silver moonlight coats silver chains;
And red…I left behind no silver stains.

A restless ocean in the night,
Shadowed waves within the twilight.
The tide beats in and out like blood,
In my ears a roaring sounds;
A salty taste within my mouth,
Blood or water, I cannot tell.
I dare not stop to think or ask…
I cannot change a slayer’s bite.

Into the dark with light to assist;
I sail upon my ebon sea…adrift.

A heat drenched jungle in the night,
Shadowed leaves in endless twilight.
I know not either night or day,
No sound does break the stillness here.
Instinctively I recreate,
A word, a whisper, my own name.
Bound with dark silence is my soul,
Though to a soul have I the right?

I feel I must lift my voice to scream!
Or lose myself to deep silence and dreams.

A lonely prairie in the night,
Shadowed hilltop in the twilight.
I know my way back home is long
But I won’t stay forever gone.
I hate that which I have become,
But cannot stop the hope within,
Though I return to deepest shade,
Though I must flee the coming light.

With bright hope so high, I know I’ll fall;
But the warmth of light is what I recall.

A mist filled forest in the night,
Shadowed ruin in the twilight.
Now loneliness around me folds
And I begin to wonder if…
The light would burn my heart as much.
So long without companions now,
I know not if I’m dream or real,
Just that the sun is still so bright.

Dreaming, shall I step into the light
Be torn, ripped apart in its fiery sight?

Originally Posted by Cold Twilight A mist filled forest in the night, Shadowed mansion in a twilight. It is generally not considered acceptable to use an article in this case, nor does the construction "shadowed in" really make sense grammatically or in context. I stand alone in the rain, And watch from here, 'neath shadow's fall, Unable to ignore the pain From warm lights that to me call.It seems as if you have destorted the syntax here purley for the purpose of employing the "fall/call" rhyme. id do however like the allusion to the title. I dare not step into that light, I dare only walk in the night. This use of repetition is negatively affected by the fact that the second line is short a syllable, which disturbs the implied rhythm. I dare not come home while it is day, I dare not walk a path other than this way.(see above) A storm-lashed city in the night, Shadowed forms within the twilight.Surely a new rhyming pair could have been used here. The repetition adds little to the overall meaning, and seems redundant rather than re-inforcing. Laughter simply draws them on. I have no fear of mortal breath, Of death so quickly here and gone On edge of sword that bleeds.The lack of rhyme here, when it was present in the preceding stanza takes away from the wonderful rhythm present in these four lines. They've gathered 'round, these thieves of life, They know not what they chose to fight.Even connecting this last word to the previous couplet ending in "ight" does not seem to make up for the partial here, when there are none in the revious lines. The rhythm, however, was well-constructed. I laughed with pain as I watched them come, I cried for the dead as I watched them run.This partial rhyme seems less effective because of the true-rhyme present in previous stanzas. A wind-whipped desert in the night, Shadowed sand dunes in the twilight.I see that you start every stanza in this poem with the rhyme, but I don't see the point. it fails to provide a meaningful connection, as far as I can tell. Nothing now will come this way For wild creature and man both fear Which cannot walk by light of day And is silent to the earWonderful rhythm and the rhyme is true again, but you fail to use a pronoun to represent what is feared. That listens for a heart that beats In chest unbound by ties of night.At this point, I still must protest leaving such a distance between this third rhyming line, though the rhythm is again good. Also, using "night" twice in the same stanza is clumsy. Alone within the darkness I strive To have company with something alive.Good rhythm, true rhyme. A quiet mountain in the night, Shadowed boulders in the twilight. Sound comes far upon the wind; 'Tis here I've run from those that come, For a warning that wind can send-- Yes, there, the shouting rings clear. They follow me for fear or fame, For gold they force me into flight.The complete abandonment of the rhyme scheme(excepting the "-ight" triplet) really threw me out of the flow here. 'Tis down the mountain I must now face, And so heed the caution to leave this place.True rhyme, good rhythm, connects to previous stanzas. A restless ocean in the night, Shadowed waves within the twilight. Doubt among the sailors sounds-- Where to go when they dread? --On a ship where water surrounds, To whom can reason be led? Rhythm flaters in the four lines above. I cannot flee into the sea; Where to hide from an angry night?Maintains rhyme scheme, good. I take my leave with none to assist; I sail upon the ebon sea... adrift.Space after ellipsis, please. A heat drenched jungle in the night, Shadowed leaves in endless twilight.Nice rhythm. I know not of night or day; No sound does break the stillness here. Even insects run away From footfall soft on wet ground.Rhyme scheme falters here. Bound with silence is my soul, Though to a soul have I the right? I feel that I must lift my voice to scream! Or lose myself to deep silence and dreams.True rhyme, but rhythm falters. A lonely prairie in the night, Shadowed hilltop in the twilight. I walk alone within the rain, Lifting my weary voice to sing, Striding the path down which I came, For the way back home is long,Rhyme falters. And I won't stay forever gone, Though I return there in the night."Night" again? ...I'm still wondering if sorrow's tears Are what make the rain fall so cold and drear.Crow-barred grammar and syntax for a rhyme not worth the trouble. A mist filled forest in the night, Shadowed ruin in a twilight.Use of the article "a" here is jarring and probably incorrect. Now my loneliness is such That I begin to wonder if... The light would burn my heart as much. Even here none will come near.Mangled syntax and not even for a rhyme? I know not if I'm dream or real, So long without companions still.And now you even drop the triplet? Dreaming, shall I step into the light, Be torn, ripped apart in its fiery sight?Crow-barred syntax for the rhyme.

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa Originally Posted by Cold Twilight Shadowed mansion in a twilight. It is generally not considered acceptable to use an article in this case, nor does the construction "shadowed in" really make sense grammatically or in context. Done deliberately to set aside the stanza, but I see your point. And watch from here, 'neath shadow's fall, Unable to ignore the pain From warm lights that to me call. It seems as if you have destorted the syntax here purley for the purpose of employing the "fall/call" rhyme. id do however like the allusion to the title. Yes, syntax is deliberately distorted, going along with the older style and Shakespearian shenanigans. I dare not step into that light, I dare only walk in the deepest night. This use of repetition is negatively affected by the fact that the second line is short a syllable, which disturbs the implied rhythm. Actually, it's short two syllables. XD Thanks for catching that! On edge of sword that bleeds. The lack of rhyme here, when it was present in the preceding stanza takes away from the wonderful rhythm present in these four lines. Yes, it is a bit abrupt, isn't it? I'm stil trying to find another word that fits, but it shouldn't have a true or even partial rhyme here. They've gathered 'round, these thieves of life, They know not what they chose to fight. Even connecting this last word to the previous couplet ending in "ight" does not seem to make up for the partial here, when there are none in the previous lines. The rhythm, however, was well-constructed. I laughed with pain as I watched them come, I cried for the dead as I watched them run. This partial rhyme seems less effective because of the true-rhyme present in previous stanzas. Fail to see how it's partial, as they sound is the same. Perhaps you're referring to the spelling part of the rhyme, like -ight endings? However, I understand that it doesn't feel right to you. Thanks. A wind-whipped desert in the night, Shadowed sand dunes in the twilight. I see that you start every stanza in this poem with the rhyme, but I don't see the point. it fails to provide a meaningful connection, as far as I can tell. Very important point in the story. So I keep it. I like it that way too, lol. Nothing now will come this way For wild creature and man both fear Which cannot walk by light of day And is silent to the ear Wonderful rhythm and the rhyme is true again, but you fail to use a pronoun to represent what is feared. Syllabic constraints, although I'm still trying to fix it. A quiet mountain in the night, Shadowed boulders in the twilight. Sound comes far upon the wind; 'Tis here I've run from those that come, For a warning that wind can send-- Yes, there, the shouting rings clear. They follow me for fear or fame, For gold they force me into flight. The complete abandonment of the rhyme scheme(excepting the "-ight" triplet) really threw me out of the flow here. lol. On the contrary. The rhyme is still there. But flow...I'll look into that, definitely. A restless ocean in the night, Shadowed waves within the twilight. Doubt among the sailors sounds-- Where to go when they dread? --On a ship where water surrounds, To whom can reason be led? Rhythm falters in the four lines above. Yes, thanks. I'll see what I can do with that. I cannot flee into the sea; Where to hide from an angry night? Maintains rhyme scheme, good. I take my leave with none to assist; I sail upon the ebon sea... adrift. Space after ellipsis, please. Really? Hmmm. Thanks, I didn't know that. A heat drenched jungle in the night, Shadowed leaves in endless twilight. Nice rhythm. Thank you. I know not of night or day; No sound does break the stillness here. Even insects run away From footfall soft on wet ground. Rhyme scheme falters here.Yes, I missed that h to g change. Thanks. Bound with silence is my soul, Though to a soul have I the right? I feel that I must lift my voice to scream! Or lose myself to deep silence and dreams. True rhyme, but rhythm falters. Yes, I wanted it to sort of trail off here. Was thinking of using ellipses. Suggestions? A lonely prairie in the night, Shadowed hilltop in the twilight. I walk alone within the rain, Lifting my weary voice to sing, Striding the path down which I came, For the way back home is long, Rhyme falters.No rhyme should be there. And I won't stay forever gone, Though I return there in the night. "Night" again? [color=blue]Rhyme scheme, therefore, I'm keeping it.[/color ...I'm still wondering if sorrow's tears Are what make the rain fall so cold and drear. Crow-barred grammar and syntax for a rhyme not worth the trouble. I think, again, I might have to leave this the way it is, although I will try to take your comment into consideration and work on it. A mist filled forest in the night, Shadowed ruin in a twilight. Use of the article "a" here is jarring and probably incorrect. Thank you. I changed it. Now my loneliness is such That I begin to wonder if... The light would burn my heart as much. Even here none will come near. Mangled syntax and not even for a rhyme? More Shakespearian styling, but thanks for the note. I know not if I'm dream or real, So long without companions still. And now you even drop the triplet? Yes, dropping triplet intentional. Dreaming, shall I step into the light, Be torn, ripped apart in its fiery sight? Crow-barred syntax for the rhyme. Thanks for the comment.

In Verse from the Baron