MisterJack

Where are your Children Tonight?





_______Ketamine
a grazed knee
bleeds a constant flow
below
rejoiced amphetamine smile
and pill falls in
to slippery eel-like skin
where vein now pumps
and drives the brain
to nothing
_______________gateless
mind
Insane
with fast reacting
constant flow of time distracting
pallid distributing
pharmaceuticals
_____________fight
the nightmare
driving spite
in pulses blinded
to ignite the hyper-active
sentimental using youth
with eyes on fire and razor ears
that pick up sounds of Beetles
_________ants
like charging wildebeast
__________________who feast
and eat the waxen
core of late night
drug debauchery
with girls who drink like fish
and laugh with fractured jaws
__________and scores
of interrupting buses
____________riding home
the worthless other users
who have bought the same old shit
__________________________from Steve
but can’t contain imploding inquisitions
as admissions hit an all time high
with froth and spittle
drastic same faced kids
who mixed their plastic BOMBS
with drink
_______and hope
for some new route
to where they think euphoria
might exist instead
of simply getting pissed
outside
_________a Tesco store
they pour themselves
another dose
of lamplight
_______twi--tching
shrouded ghosts
with one thing
on their minds when they wake up
one frosty morning
to the care
and gentle face of mother
at the bedside thanking god
they’re still alive
______they weep
to see them
not tubed up to lifeline
bleep machine
and hope to Christ
that they
____will reach

fourteen






.

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Mermaid on the breakwater

This poem really rattles along, Jack. Nice and hard-hitting. The imagery is nice and sharp in places: "where vein pumps and drives the brain to nothing." Your opening is a great hook.

__________________
Doors 2, an anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/3522683

Baron

A good one Jack. No real crits at this time.

__________________

Wishing4Rain

Great one here Jack, hooked me in the first few lines. I really enjoyed reading this, great job. No crit's.

__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"

"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."

SteMcGrath

I really like this style you're riding on. It's very powerful. Just the one line, too many syllables in 'interrupting buses riding home'- the only line that broke the fluid effect.
Oh, one more thing...can you change the guys name to Dave?! Ha, just kidding.

Great poetry Jack.

__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

MisterJack

Thanks for the comments so far guys.

Ste; I've altered that line, does it read better like that?

Appreciate the feedback from all of you so far

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

SteMcGrath

Much better Jack, just that one little thing has smoothed this out to a great piece.

__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

MisterJack

Then, that would remind me of 'Only Fools and Horses'

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Malone

Good stuff. I like how you open with the one word "Ketamine."

MisterJack

Thanks Malone
Glad you enjoyed it.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Mirror

The format that you employ, Jack, coupled with no punctuation, lends this piece a ringing quality (Other poets try to emulate this style only to lapse into gimmick poems). It's quite a feat. Kudos.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

MisterJack

Thank you so much Mirror. One of my concerns with writing this way is 'is this too gimmicky'? It's reasuring to hear that it is not and i always value your comments on my work.

Thanks again

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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AHardRain

haha this is great!

Ilasir Maroa

I like this style. It moves right along. The indentation seems unecessary to me though. Otherwise, nice line-breaks and imagery.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com

Pete_C

I was impressed by the way that as I read it I found myself speeding up, an anxious fury driving me towards the end at an increasing pace.