Chasing the Wind - Writers Forum

citygirl · 01-13-2008, 06:58 PM

Is it possible to love in a perpetual way?
Can I chase the wind and expect to win?
Can two really become one?
What is the song I have sung?

Love seems an impossible dream.
What does God expect
from me in all His perpetuity?
This is what I see:

Lovers love
like ravens ravishing a feast of dead carcasses
tearing apart the heart
dropping blood that stains the earth,
then dried by the sun.

In a world of self-desire
love turns to hate
as one mate
turns against the other,

Will judgment not come
to mourn the loss
of the tattered heart
that beats out a song of despair?

Who will repair the fragile garment
of the broken-hearted?

With invisible silken, thread
The Lord will mend
Once again, the search begins

But am I chasing the wind.

by Citygirl

Wishing4Rain · 01-13-2008, 07:15 PM

I really like this, only problem was one typo. I believe it was meant to be mourn, not 'morn.' Excellent work CG.

citygirl · 01-13-2008, 07:39 PM

Yes, you are right Wishing4Rain, thanks for pointing that out.

citygirl · 02-14-2008, 09:23 PM

I think that I have my punctuation correct in this piece. I am hoping that Baron or Crawley or Dannyboy will stumble across this one and let me know. I would be interested to see what they had to say...

Ilasir Maroa · 02-14-2008, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by citygirl

Is it possible to love in a perpetual way,
can I chase the wind and expect to win,
or catch a falling star,
or hold the sun.Perhaps replace these commas and the period with question marks.
Love seems an impossible dream,
what does God expect from me in all His perpetuity."?"

this is what I see,":"?
lovers love
like ravens ravishing a feast of dead carcasses,
tearing apart the heart of one
dropping blood that stains the earth,
then dried by the sun.

In a world of self-desire
love turns to hate as one turns against one, "another"?
will the reaper not reap,
and judgments not come, to mourn the loss
of the tattered heart,
that beats out a song of despair."?"?

Who will repair the fragile garment,
of the broken-hearted, is this comma necessary, or can the line-break handle it?
with invisible silken thread, "?"?
The Lord will mend,
and once again, the search begins,
but am I chasing the wind.

by Citygirl

I enjoyed the ending of this as a nice circle coming to completeion. I wonder if "chasing the wind" is supposed to be a metaphor for looking for love? The cloth metaphor in the last stanza fit the mood and subject well, and I enjoyed the feast of corpses, but I think that the first stanza could do with more expansion on the wind, as that image/theme plays well with the cloth and "invisible thread" in the last stanza. The "sun" and "falling stars" seem a bit out of place. The third stanza could also be fused more with the rest of the poem by using a more concrete metahphor than "reaper/reap"= "death/killing".

citygirl · 02-15-2008, 03:11 PM

thanks Ilasir Maroa, I left the question marks out because someone told me that not to use "question marks" in poetry. Yes, chasing the wind is supposed to be a metaphor for looking for love. I will rethink the "sun" and "falling stars" but initially I wrote that to show the impossible, comparing that to the impossibility of finding true love...

"The third stanza could also be fused more with the rest of the poem by using a more concrete metahphor than "reaper/reap"= "death/killing". I need to think about this one.

Thank you!

vangoghsear · 02-15-2008, 03:28 PM

The raven image and chasing the wind images are good. Catch a falling star is a bit cliche. Overall, not too bad citygirl.

Baron · 02-15-2008, 03:34 PM

I like this overall. I would lose the falling star or find a more original line there. Also put in those question marks. Playing around with punctuation is down to judging what the poem needs. Reaching the reader has to be a part of that choice and in this case I think those question marks are needed for emphasis.

citygirl · 02-15-2008, 06:05 PM

Thank you Baron, much appreciated.....

Crowley · 02-16-2008, 06:32 AM

Generally a really good one. You could try to split up some of the longer lines as they feel a little clumsy in places. Also I would agree about the falling star line as this is such a dark poem catching a falling star seems very fairytale by comparison. As chasing the wind is your central metaphor perhaps you could use these two lines to elaborate on this idea and give us a sense of the futility it expresses...?

citygirl · 02-16-2008, 03:06 PM

Hello Crowley, Once again I have made changes based on your comments and others. This is very helpful and I appreciate all of your comments. I will wait to see the reactions to this revised version.