Mermaid on the breakwater

Connotations of expression
within dewy eyes,
blurred vision,
seperates truth from lies.
Why do these deep blues
weep so
onto a cold floor between
worn shoes?

Golden hair takes shape
in summer breeze
and sweeps in view
recollections of
a heart I once knew.

__________________
Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

vangoghsear

I like the trim style. The worn shoes phrase works well. Rhymes seem very natural.

Only suggestion is consider omitting or changing (simplifying) 'deciphering.' Works okay as is, on rereading though I felt a slight hiccup there. See what you think.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

MisterJack

I agree with Van on altering 'deciphering'
I also think 'blurred vision' would work better than 'blurring vision'

Nice piece their

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Mermaid on the breakwater

Thanks, Van. Deciphering could probably be simplified to aid the flow of the piece. I'll find a way, , thanks again.

And thanks, Jack, blurred vision works on two levels. Great suggestion, thank you.

Rejigged those two areas, tell me if you think they're ok or could be further improved.

__________________
Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

MisterJack

Perhaps just 'separate'?

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Mermaid on the breakwater

Gone for seperates - the ing is gone now. What do you think?

__________________
Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

MisterJack

I think it reads much better now. Very good piece.
Worth waiting for more comments though, to gain different perspectives etc.

Glad to be of help thus far.

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

vangoghsear

Yes. Going to two syllables without the ing works.

However, 'separation' might be cool after 'connotation,' but not sure it would mean the same as you intended.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Mermaid on the breakwater

I like the idea but I'll have to really think on that one, van, like you said, it alters the meaning. That might not be a bad thing, of course but it's one of those I am going to have to grapple with for a while. Thanks for the crits, guys.

__________________
Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

vangoghsear

I like it as is though. The flow is improved and I liked the content before and still do.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Wishing4Rain

I like this piece alot, rhyme scheme is nice, the flow is good, I can envision this rather clearly in my head due to the good imagery. The emotion is there, and this is a piece, in my opinion, that the reader can come to many different conclusions about. I like it.

__________________
"A writer without crticque, is nothing"

"The reason I love the rain, is so other's won't see the tears falling from my eyes."

Mermaid on the breakwater

Thanks for taking your time to read it.


Does anybody else have some suggestions for this? I am not so close to it now so open to criticism... Baron, I know you felt it wasn't quite there.

__________________
Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

Baron

You'll probably hate me for this but I've tinkered a little to give an idea of how you can play arounf with this to give more without making it more wordy. Experiment with the enjambment.

__________________

Mermaid on the breakwater

I like the feel of the piece with your suggestions. Thanks for giving me a different angle.

I feel like a retard tonight; I am having a prolonged stupid spell.

__________________
Ambiance Artists Anthology: http://www.lulu.com/content/2293077

Pete_C

Again, this stops short of what it promises to deliver. However, with a tweak, you could also use:
Why do these deep blues
weep so
onto a cold floor between
worn shoes?
as a last line; it's a fucking corker.