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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
01-08-2008, 08:41 AM
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#1
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 764
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Unbirth
DELETED
Last edited by Mirror : 05-09-2008 at 01:56 AM.
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01-08-2008, 08:58 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,875
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Enigmatic and thoughtprovoking. Good poem.
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01-08-2008, 10:52 AM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,350
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Good, very strong content. Not sure about some of the line breaks though 
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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01-08-2008, 12:47 PM
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#4
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 764
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Thanks, Baron, Jack (Will think about the line breaks. They do seem somewhat fractured in my attempt to make the poem fluid.  ) |
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01-08-2008, 01:19 PM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,243
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'Adam and Eve' feel to this, which contrasts nicely with the title and the last line. Good piece.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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01-08-2008, 01:51 PM
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#6
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 764
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Thanks for your comment, vangoghsear.
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01-08-2008, 02:05 PM
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#7
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 68
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Mirror
I really love the descriptive nature of this poem. Especially "Leaves bite each other across my belly". Thank you for sharing.
__________________
-Jennifer Smith
Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche
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01-08-2008, 02:29 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 431
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I can't describe why I felt such an internal understanding of this poem. Its impact on me was profound. I may be off on what you intended, Mirror, but if I tried to explain in simple words how it caught me, I couldn't.
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01-08-2008, 02:29 PM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 431
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I can't describe why I felt such an internal understanding of this poem. Its impact on me was profound. I may be off on what you intended, Mirror, but if I tried to explain in simple words how it caught me, I couldn't.
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01-08-2008, 03:15 PM
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#10
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 764
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Thank you, Serenity and apple (I'd post an explanation, but I don't wish to ruin the readers' perceptions, although an "anti-Adam'Eve" scene inevitably arises, as vangoghsear so aptly notes.)
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01-08-2008, 03:48 PM
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#11
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Scribe
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: state of total despair, South Africa
Gender: Female
Posts: 82
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I've felt an Adam and Eve vibe before from another one of your poems (the one with the fish and the garden). This is also interesting. I like the brevity.
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Nobody is suddenly an author. They do not wake up and say, "Today I will auth and auth!" -- Anne Fine
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01-09-2008, 12:17 AM
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#12
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 272
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Smoothly nippled, mirror. Appears that a
flacid-er version of this very composite
white-wormed its crawl across my sweat
stained forehead, tongue protruding
and landed somewhere parasiting the
kaleidescope brain residing below my
skull.
thanks for the read. very thought provoking and as always, deliciously unsettling.
So do you go graverobbing much? Your taste in imagery suggests it.
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Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.
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01-09-2008, 12:47 AM
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#13
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Somewhere on Earth
Gender: Female
Posts: 58
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It's a good piece with a sense of nature in it. I agree with MisterJack about teline breaks.
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((Life can only be understood backwards))
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01-09-2008, 08:29 PM
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#14
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 764
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Thank you, surface. I value your input. Graverobbing? Are you suggesting I am a necrophiliac? (lol) Well, maybe to steal artifacts... This, however, concerns abortion (almost an anti Adam-Eve scenery as noted above). I thought some branch-root images would entwine with corporeal ones. Glad it worked for you. I'm off to read your new poem.
Thanks Blue, as well.
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01-12-2008, 03:19 AM
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#15
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,278
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This works well; it's one of those very few poems that needs nothing adding or removing. It just has that essential rightness about it.
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