Lost friend - Writers Forum

Amber Leaf · 01-03-2008, 12:35 PM

Lost friend.

Once esteemed in my opinion.
I thought your mind was strong.
With many redeeming features;
Never striking me as wrong.

I knew him in my own way.
Thought that was why you did too.
You imply that I’m a junkie.
You say you love the man you knew.

He was just a clown to you;
Crusty doll for your pleasure.
Were you there when he was down?
Or just a jester for your leisure.

Did I steal those last moments?
Or did the man have rational choice.
Does it make you feel angry?
When I’m echoing his voice.

Regret laughing at the actions
Now that brave young man is dead.
Never forget that YOU also supported him.
Whilst getting off his head.

Jotorka · 01-03-2008, 08:24 PM

Very nice. If expresses feeling very well.

However I saw what I thought was a forced rhyme in
"He was just a clown to you;
Crusty doll for your pleasure.
Were you there when he was down?
Or just a jester for your leisure."

Pleasure and leisure just don't seem to have that ring to it.

Other than that, it's pretty touching

Pete_C · 01-04-2008, 03:40 AM

This is brimming with sentiment, yet strangely has a kind of sing-song flow that challenges the depth of the content. Maybe a more relaxed structure would allow a better vehicle for the pain and anguish. There is also a touch of spite at the end, but it gets lost because the penultimate line falls out of rhythm.

MisterJack · 01-04-2008, 05:44 AM

I feel this would work much better without the rhyme format. The message is too strong and it comes over 'jolly', which detracts from the intention?
Removal of the rhyme could make this a very good poem IMO.

Jack

Baron · 01-04-2008, 05:53 AM

I fully concur with Jack on this one. This would work much better and give more scope as free verse.

Olly Buckle · 01-04-2008, 08:22 AM

I found the first verse slightly confusing, is it about him or her? Second verse second line, don't see why "was why", was why what? Thought that you did too runs nicer as well. There is a touch of spite at the end, people find it hard to level when someone dies, someone ought to be to blame , which is what the poem is about in a way, you could retain the scanscion and lose the spite with:-

Dont forget we both supported him
While he was getting off his head.

Maybe you don't want to lose the spite in which case you should tear the bitche's eyes out (With words) and not just have a little dig at the end. I didn't mind it rhyming.

vangoghsear · 01-04-2008, 08:43 AM

I have to agree that this although not bad, would be better in free verse. The rhymes are more distracting and lighten the feel too much. Not a bad read though, but could be better.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 01-04-2008, 08:49 AM

yep, free verse it.

Olly Buckle · 01-08-2008, 12:01 PM

Call me old fashioned, I like a rhyme, feels like they made the effort.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 01-08-2008, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

Call me old fashioned, I like a rhyme, feels like they made the effort.

But would you advocate it to the detriment of the piece, Olly?

Amber Leaf · 01-24-2008, 07:20 PM

i know this is from a while ago but from reading again through the comments you all seem to think this peom is about a girl.

does it make a difference knowing that its about a male friend
/

dannyboy · 01-24-2008, 07:57 PM

actually I don't think its the rhyme that is causing the problem, (technically its strong I think) I feel it is just too telly. Take away the 'I' and give us images of the three involved, not a lecture about who 'knew best'.