Mirror

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Pete_C

This has some marvellous phrases in it, and paints a picture that is both nightmarish and soothing at the same time. Sometimes the random nature of your work makes it jar in places, but not so with this.

Mirror

Thanks for reading and commenting, Pete. Glad this one was not jarring or grated.

ms. vodka

the line lengths here aren't doing anything for the piece and all the quotations are distracting. some of the imagery feels like it is trying too hard to be shocking.

i like your work though, it's brave and comes on strong and i look forward to reading it. i think you write a lot of really good stuff in the future.

jen

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Skidding Through the Mud Incognito
confessions of a modern day poetess

Mirror

Thanks, vodka. Appreciate your critique.
My poem does come across as prosaic, mainly because I was concentrating more on the content rather than on the line breaks.
Personally, I try to avoid quotes within a poem if I can help it, but here I wanted to emphasize the verbal exchange in function of the physical one. Maybe I should use italics in lieu of quotation marks.

surfacetoday

i curl my lips at thee, fair mirror, chasm and all.
this was delicious.

__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.

www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff

Amber Leaf

beautifull little descriptions there and they give good imagery but id prefer this as a longer piece.

theres potential for a good raving story here and youve got the words to do it.

dont hoard all that good language to yourself.

__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith

Punk is dead - get over it.

Acid culture, techno culture, underground culture, rebel culture!

Mirror

LOL, mirrors upon thy surface. =)

Amber, thanks for your suggestion. This didn't come as a story to me, more of a quivering apparition. Will consider it, though.

vangoghsear

Provocative. I like this. I agree that italics might work better than the quotes. I get a 'Mrs Robinson' sort of feeling of it.

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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Mirror

Thanks, Van.

This is an old one. I simply resurrected this for Following Shadow. His poem brought it to mind.

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Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

MisterJack

Again, with these small pieces of yours, the repeats do them no justice. Especially words like 'sex'. it's such a strong word it needs to be more isolated I feel. Perhaps alter one of them to keep things ticking along as smoothly as the rest.
Can't believe i missed this one It's another gem.

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Mirror

Thanks, Jack. Repetition bothers me, as well - I try to avoid it if I can help it. Especially in something so bare, it becomes quite noticeable. Not sure with what I'd replace 'sex'. I have a loathing for the word 'member'. Appreciate your input. I'll see how I can tweak it.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

FollowingShadow

This is a fascinating read. I've gone through it at least half a dozen times now, taking something new from it each time. Wonderfully complex.

I didn't get stuck on the repetition of 'sex' (maybe you've fixed it by now), though I did find the first instance to be unnecessarily euphemistic-- I don't know if you find the words 'dick' and 'cock' offensive, but I think the former would be appropriate. And though the word 'sex' didn't catch me, 'fecundate' did. I couldn't shake the unfortunate images of a scat scene. I don't see what's wrong with 'inseminate'. And finally, if I am to be brutally honest (and I feel I must, out of respect for your beautiful work), the last couplet doesn't do it for me. I feel it lets the piece down to consign the female protagonist to whoredom. And frankly, I don't find hell's whore to be particularly fuckable. Sorry, haha. =) You could certainly be more creative with those last two lines.

I'm cultivating a deep respect for your craft, mirror. I hope to see more from this collection. Thanks much. =)

Mirror

F.S. Once again, thanks for your invaluable feedback. You took the words out of my keyboard - euphemism. I'm not offended by 'dick' or 'cock' - I'm the least prudish person you'll ever meet. Other readers, however, might be. And I've already been berated for coming across as vulgar at times. Another issue: this piece is a slice of life. I cried when I wrote it. Out of respect and love for the younger man.
As far as 'inseminate' - I tried to use the pollination of flowers as a metaphor. I hoped the reader would see it as an honest, beautiful encounter as supposed to a harsh, even pedophile experience.
Will think about last line. Woman relegates herself to what she deems appropriate - stained in/due to her innocence.

All points noted - I will tweak this.
Thanks for your consideration.

Best,
Mirror

p.s. Feel free to MP for more pieces of this nature, if you wish.

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099