saintoflight

I may have posted this once before but I gave it something else this time so what do you think?

To Dad,

This is the house of broken trust
This is the house of secret lust

This is the house of no dry eyes
This is the house filled with lies

This is the house of hidden guilt
This is the house that you built

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Cran

saintoflight, I think it's time to leave home ...

there is always a risk that employing simple rhymes
will undermine or weaken what should be a strong subject ...
that said, you have some strong lines here -
if you ever feel up to it, I'd like to see you really do these lines justice:
use them as openers and closers of a more fully realised statement ...

This is the house ...
[the real guts of it here - no rhymes -
just power and image and emotion ... ]
This is the house ... etc

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Underlip

I couldn't agree more with Cran. I think if you rework this and put some more content into the poem and scrap the nursey rhyme feel to it you could have something really good. The emotions are there and the lines are strong on their own, just not in this poem.

The Backward OX

Wheeee! Incest on the Sunshine Coast!

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saintoflight

it's only since i've posted this in a few different forums have i actually realised what people think it implies. Which wasn't really my intention but hey meaning comes form inside each indivdual. Thanks for your comments

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Pete_C

The repetition is annoying, the sentiment is twee. A bit more effort might see better results.

Vee

So you watch soapies - big deal...hehe. See there I gave it a different spin to what other people think it means.

Whilst I can agree with what others say I also think simplicity is best.

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