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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
12-16-2007, 01:43 PM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Santa Monica Freeway
edited for publishing reasons
Last edited by Baron : 01-03-2008 at 08:34 AM.
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12-16-2007, 02:41 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: capital of Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 244
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"traffic flows slow,"
traffic flow slows
This is a little easier to say, and all the flows can be consolidated  .
This poem is a wonder, Baron. It is a new type of romance that never culminates, like the elusive dream of success and grandeur that looms above that very Freeway. It is quaint, and funny, and arresting.
"She smiles,
cruises beside;
angelic language"
The lines feel a little repetetive, sound-wise. Maybe you could insert a word in the second line or fiddle with the line breaks.
Great stuff, Baron. It seems to have been an inspiring trip.
Regards,
d.b.
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12-16-2007, 03:31 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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This flows quite smoothly, baron. It had a nice rhythm, and a very soothing sound.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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12-16-2007, 04:44 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d.b.potts
"traffic flows slow,"
traffic flow slows
This is a little easier to say, and all the flows can be consolidated .
This poem is a wonder, Baron. It is a new type of romance that never culminates, like the elusive dream of success and grandeur that looms above that very Freeway. It is quaint, and funny, and arresting.
"She smiles,
cruises beside;
angelic language"
The lines feel a little repetetive, sound-wise. Maybe you could insert a word in the second line or fiddle with the line breaks.
Great stuff, Baron. It seems to have been an inspiring trip.
Regards,
d.b.
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I've made a few changes as a result of your suggestions so I hope that it reads a little better for you now. |
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12-16-2007, 04:55 PM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Utah
Gender: Male
Posts: 260
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I've been on most of those blasted, awful So. California highways. It's nice to see a positive spin put on them. I didn't quite understand your choice of formatting for the poem though. I've seen you use this staggered style before, and I thought it added to it. This time I'm not so sure I feel such a vibe. It seems to be your way of writing though, and I'm in no way going to fault you for doing your thing. Well done.
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12-16-2007, 04:57 PM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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Wait! Are you saying this angel is Santa Monica?
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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12-16-2007, 04:58 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Wait! Are you saying this angel is Santa Monica?
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Is that a serious question? |
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12-16-2007, 05:00 PM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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Maybe...  Do you have a serious answer?
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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12-16-2007, 05:02 PM
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#9
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Maybe... Do you have a serious answer? |
Yes.  No, Santa Monica is not the angel  |
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12-16-2007, 07:28 PM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wheelz1138
I've been on most of those blasted, awful So. California highways. It's nice to see a positive spin put on them. I didn't quite understand your choice of formatting for the poem though. I've seen you use this staggered style before, and I thought it added to it. This time I'm not so sure I feel such a vibe. It seems to be your way of writing though, and I'm in no way going to fault you for doing your thing. Well done.
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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. |
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12-16-2007, 07:35 PM
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#11
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Quote:
Santa Monica Freeway,
___ _traffic flow slows,
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This is a cool phrase. I like the way it pulls sounds from both lines, making a kind of mental circle. Very nifty. Nice poem Baron.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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12-16-2007, 08:07 PM
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#12
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 435
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Gosh, what a nice and different approach to a Southern California freeway drive. It makes me feel good. You must be able to drift right into that alpha state. That is the artist in you.
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12-16-2007, 08:38 PM
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#13
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by apple
Gosh, what a nice and different approach to a Southern California freeway drive. It makes me feel good. You must be able to drift right into that alpha state. That is the artist in you.
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Maybe just looking through different eyes. Thanks again for your encouragement.  |
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12-16-2007, 08:51 PM
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#14
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,987
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
This is a cool phrase. I like the way it pulls sounds from both lines, making a kind of mental circle. Very nifty. Nice poem Baron.
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Nifty? You've been spending time with ms vodka, I'm sure that's her favourite word, used at every given opportunity. Thanks for the comment Van. |
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12-16-2007, 09:19 PM
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#15
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,507
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thats a really sweet poem. its well laid out and the imagery is wonderfull.
its the first poem in ages on here that has a bit of soul to it.
__________________
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"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith
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