Sniper McGee

Rise and fall
Rush in and out
Flowing asphalt ripples
underneath my worn down soul

The howling cacophony of
your voice
whips into my raw ears
Beating against my skull

A vacant presence
approaching, enthralling
he will catch me
But I can't
Won't
Stop

The innocent masses
ignorant to the pain
scream past me
for they know no shame

I push on and on but he still
races after me
And hes going to get me
Please, don't let him hit me

A race toward oblivion
A rush toward the sun
This midnight struggle has gone on
for much too long

It ends tonight.

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Critique harshly, I thrive off your criticism.

-Bryce out

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Baron

Perhaps I'm a little dense but I'm missing the point. I see descriptions that describe nothing to me. I don't want an explanation, just some clue in the poem itself to tell me the cause of the struggle.

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Sniper McGee

Holy crap, your right. I pulled a few stanzas during editing because they didn't feel as strong, but without them my poem makes no sense!

Thanks a lot Baron, i'll fix this in a second.

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Lote-Tree

Is poetry a puzzle?

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I sent my Soul through the Invisible,
Some letter of that After-life to spell:
And by and by my Soul return'd to me,
And answer'd "I Myself am Heav'n and Hell :"

Lote's Tales and Poetry

Sniper McGee

Indeed it is. But I only gave baron 3 pieces out of 200, so it was a bit unfair.

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Lote-Tree

But what is the point of it all then?

Ego satisfaction on your part of creating the puzzle?

Ego satisfaction on those solving it?

Mutual Ego satisfaction?

If poetry is about puzzle solving - would he not be better off with a Rubiks cube?

I thought Poetry is about being able to convey in Language Subjective Experiences of the Individual to others?

My opinion of course...

__________________
I sent my Soul through the Invisible,
Some letter of that After-life to spell:
And by and by my Soul return'd to me,
And answer'd "I Myself am Heav'n and Hell :"

Lote's Tales and Poetry

Sniper McGee

Lote, re-read the thread quick.

Originally the poem was nothing but description, no purpose behind it. Baron pointed that out to me.
I realized that i had cut some crucial elements out.
I changed the poem so it made more sense.

Yeah, other than that, i'd agree with you. Poetry should always have a purpose, but an element of puzzle as well can make it more interesting.

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