Paranoia - Writers Forum

Realenigma · 12-08-2007, 10:27 PM

Paranoid I may be
I try to hold it inside,
and maintain my life
When nobody seems to care
about what I want to share

Wild mood swing
that seemed to play
a big part in change
from a gentle heart
to be a hateful bastard

Everyone blamed me
for all the consequence,
and ordeal I experienced
They talk but choose
not to walk in my shoe

It hurts to see
when it is that someone
I am supposed to love,
unable to grasp my mind
that impairs me inside

Time is closing,
and I'm no longer the same
you may remember again,
just for the nostalgia
when I suffered paranoia

Mira · 12-09-2007, 08:12 PM

Hey!

Welcome to writing forums! This has some good potential, but I feel like it needs a little bit of work. While your emotions and what seems to be anger and bitterness is rather apparent, the structure of the poem is a little bit off. While I am normally a big fan of rhymes, "Share" and "care" are just too basic. And "nostalgia," "paranoai" doesn't seem to jibe too well either. I think the main problem I have is with the word choice of nostalgia, doesn't really flow with the mood of the rest of the poem...

I hope this helps a little! I encourage you to keep working on it!!

Realenigma · 12-11-2007, 08:06 AM

I really appreciate your welcome and also very helpful advice for me to remember, plus taking your time out to read this.

Amber Leaf · 12-11-2007, 03:37 PM

i like this poem a lot. ive just finished with someone who was making me extremely paranoid and i had got with him after doing loads of speed. there was one time that i took speed after id given up for a year and stuff that he said got me so paranoid that i thought one of my friends were going to kill me.

anyway a good friend gave me some great advice and now ive just broke the spell he and the paranoia had over me and the poem well reminds me of how i had been feeling up until recently and seems to have arrived at a very good time.