A Couple Firsts - Writers Forum

MeAndMyVices · 12-08-2007, 02:43 AM

Let me preface this post by saying that this is my first visit and posting on this forum and the first time I've ever shared anything I've written. I don't pretend for this work to be adhering to any particular form or style, and am completely open to constructive criticism. Please share your thoughts.

My Companion by Jason Barnett

I have a puppy dog and everyone knows.
She has a curly tail and a little flat nose.
She's really funny when she snorts and laughs and spins.
We lay around alot together and avoid the "nows" and "thens".
She plays with her toys and I play with mine.
Her's are pretty neat, but I like mine in my mind.
Sometimes we're happy and sometimes we're sad.
Sometimes we wonder if the things we do are bad.
But all the same we sit and we stare.
And from time-to-time maybe let in some air.
Together we have learned and burned and earned a lot;
treats and bones and endless circles of thought.

We try to keep the mood lite,
avoid the feelings that you can't fight.
So we chew on bones and dolls and pills and things.
It keeps us away from thoughts that are damaging.
Helps keep us from tying knots and cocking Glocks; such silly things.
It helps pass the time, and to each other, it seems, we cling.

I love my dog, my pal, my only.
The only one who helps relieve my lonely.
If I lost her I would cry, and be forever sad.
But sometimes my dog makes me really, really mad!
Sometimes the world comes out in a moment.
The emotion is mine, but it's clear that I don't own it.
And with shame I regret that I hurt her.
I hug and pet her fur and tell her that I love her.
She forgives, forgets, and licks to show it's over.

My silly dog loves to go outside and run.
I like to watch her bask in the sun
I mostly stay in, where's it's not too bright.
In fact, I've looked and there is no light.
Just glows and humms from old machines.
I lose myself inside these things.
I see myself becoming a ghost.
On bad days it's hard to see through the smoke.
The wastes we make, they sometimes pile up.
But we embrace the pace, no time to clean it up.
And we're back to the pose and the air is getting sticky.
Our life is soo good and "Wereallyare quite lucky."

Cran · 12-08-2007, 07:21 PM

Hi MeAndMyVices, and welcome ...

rather than pulling this piece apart, and tearing it into shreds so small
you'd think it was a jigsaw puzzle, I'll offer this:

if you want to write poetry, spend time reading poetry;
practice writing images - "show don't tell";
learn to identify the essence of your message, and cut away everything else;
then read more poetry, prose, and feedback;
learn to identify natural rhymes and forced rhymes,
and why the first works and the second doesn't;
practice writing images and actions without trying to rhyme each line;
listen to music;
learn to identify rhythm, flow, tempo (pace);
then write a stronger, tighter, imaginative poem about your companion ...