|
A few errors here and there. I think the repetition was largely ineffective, and if you should revise it, I think the revision should be largely free of them.
Especially the part where you say you have the power to "do this and that and the other thing"
I'll stop there with the nitpicky sort of things, and just give you a blanket-general-suggestion. Include sensory detail. The only place you have it is in the color blue. I think you should add more imagery about the sea, perhaps the taste of the water, perhaps the way it stings your eyes. I don't know, you're the writer. Also: the ending is weak. The ending should be the strongest part, it should subtly tie everything that happened in the poem: together.
__________________
went back I rent a cadillac a company jet
like a newly orphaned refugee retracing my steps
all the way to Cassadaga to commune with the dead
they said, "you'd better look alive." - Conor Oberst
|
