Sniper McGee

A bit of swearing is in here, so watch out!
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This shit is crazy
I don’t know what to think
They all seem to love me
With their fake smiles and winks

This shit is crazy
The lies are the right
All of your views are denied
You should never have tried

This shit is crazy
Get down on your knees, if you please
I’m not gonna lie
Right now, I’m beyond high

This shit is crazy
The emo kid cut his wrists
The depression runs deep
A pool of angst, getting on my shoes

The world is fucked
In a land of steel monoliths
Amongst miracles of design and engineering
Office slaves labor

The land is screwed
From the mundane and trite
To the exorbitant and extraordinaire
We seem to be lost

This shit is crazy
The world is fucked
The land is screwed
And I have no idea what to do!
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This is the first draft, I'll probably revise it later.

Critique harshly as usual.
This really isn't my normal style, and I'm not sure if I'm feeling it.

Any help is appreciated.


-Bryce out

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gingaTao!

Quick funky little character portrait. The rhythm is boppin' along until

"All of your views are denied
You should never have tried"

but that's an easy fix. The important thing to note is the layers of fictionality. When you describe others, you inevitable describe yourself, but in this case I suspect the narrator, the poetic voice is a fiction. I could be wrong, but I read it three times and either it is a fictional voice, or being limited to such a strict meter has muted your ability to sound like a distinct, unique individual. But an excellent idea. Start with the rhythm and work outward. All in all, a thought provoking example of a certain type of writing. Well done.

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http://gingatao.wordpress.com/

Pete_C

This lacks your usual depth, and I think the reason is that you're dancing with the devil in the format! As soon as the construction becomes more important than the voice, you might as well give up. Try going back over it and forget about the construction; concentrate on what you want to say. I'd bet if you were honest in the process, the second version will be better than the first.

ieuan

The repeated line in the coarse venacular screwed the poem forever into the pits. It's rap lyrics to me, the contraction emo. for emotion was almost as bad as the first line but I've done the same to make sylable count, with you it was for the rap beat I suspect, but there you go you vcannot please all the people all of the time.

The world is in mess but you didn't tell us why and what and when. Hard to do in a poem, yet it doe shelp the reader.

In trying to be positive and kindly I would say this is eminently forgetable, start again.

Sorry, that's my honest opinion.

Regards

Ieuan

Kittenification

I hate to say it but every time I read "this shit is crazy" I think of "the shit is bananas" and I'm afraid that thinking of that awful song renders me incapable of taking this seriously.

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"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O, Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it." -Voltaire.
Read what I write

or perhaps what I sing.

howowiginal

It seems kind of unnecessary to be honest, but there is a bit of good peeking out now and then.

I liked lines 15 and 16, and I thought 18-20 would be good as part of a separate poem.

This is hideous: "And I have no idea what to do!" I think the exclamation mark is killing it.

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Nobody is suddenly an author. They do not wake up and say, "Today I will auth and auth!" -- Anne Fine