velo

blade splits virgin earth
rent, sundered, cut, wounded
blood flows, floods the land

long furrow of pain,
pulsing, throbbing, deep drums sound
heartbeat keeping time

windscream and nighthowl,
seven seas boil and churn
sun dies in red death

mother's vast sorrow
whispered words go unheeded
unheard in the gale

black sky, starless night,
one moonbeam through ebon shroud
a breath, and I die

__________________
Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

velo

a departure for me, not my usual thing. it's a little obscure, to be sure, but hopefully you can see through the meter to the meaning.

Yes, each stanza is 5,7,5- haiku style. I wanted to see if I could make a group of them with each one able to stand on its own but also make a bigger whole....not really sure if I pulled off the former.

[EDIT]Crap, I meant to post this in poetry. If a mod catches this, can you please move it? Thanks.

__________________
Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

Malone

The second to last stanza didn't seem to fit. I loved the first one.

velo

it's definitely the weakest, will retool that mofo

thanks.

__________________
Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

Futhark

velo, I'm usually not much for poetry. This, though, was pretty good. I liked the intensity. And the rhythm didn't bother me, either, which means the words were natural. There was only one thing that tripped me a bit: in the second stanza, I don't think you need a comma after "pain". That disrupted the flow for me a bit. Otherwise, I thought it was very good. And I thought the fourth stanza was fine. But, then again, I'm not a poetico.

You know what I thought when I read this? MAD. As in nuclear winter MAD. Screaming wind, boiling sea, red sunset, starless night... sounds like blast, shockwave, and fallout to me.

Of course, I read "end of the world" into everything, so excuse me if this was a poem about making tea.

__________________
Sors, immanis
Et inanis

velo

I got a little obscure but I was thinking of two meanings when I wrote this- suicide and mankind destroying the environment.

Examples

blade splits virgin earth- either a razor parting skin and vein or a metaphor for man's alteration of the planet.

a mother's sorrow- mom finds Jimmy in a pool of his own blood or Gaia weeping for all the shit her kiddies are doing to her

one moonbeam through ebon shroud- the light at the end of the tunnel some people report when close to death or the wan light of the sun, blocked out by nuclear winter or a blanket of clouds brought about by climate change.

sun dies in read death- phonetically the same as son dying with blood all over him or, same as above, the final sunset a fiery red from all the crap in the atmosphere.

Again, it was pretty obscure.....

I'm friggin camping out in the woods tonight, I have no idea where I'm getting a signal from but it's damn cool!

Comment much appreciated, thanks

__________________
Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

Malone

You took your laptop camping? And you're getting wireless intternet? Wow. You may have an addiction. Where the hell can you camp and get internet? Central Park?

adrianhayter

Well...you know me Vilo. If it doesn't deal with an erection or some dead animal, I get a little lost.

From my perspective though, I thought it read well.

I'm so embarrassed. I had to look up Ebon. That tells you how much poetry I read.

Are you camping out in the woods by choice or did you get evicted?

Adrian

__________________
My Blog

...and still, two years later, he continues to write aimlessly with no apparent purpose in mind.

velo

I brought it to write. It's not real camping, just pulled into a remote are by a pond and set up my living quarters for the weekend. When I *really* go camping I don't bring the laptop because I pack everything in my backpack and ounces count!

Still, I didn't think there were any houses around here but I've got a weak signal from some dumbass' unsecured network. I might hack his machine just to see how dumb he really is........

__________________
Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

Malone

That's pretty cool.

Baron

I quite enjoyed reading this. I think that it might give a little more impact if you made stanza 3 the first stanza.

__________________

velo

Baron, thanks for the suggestion, that does seem to work. I doubt I ever would have seen that.

__________________
Are you kidding Velo? Even Malone won't touch this one-adrianhayter

Carpe diem, quam minimum credulo postero -Horace

blazeofglory

indeed you have presented things deepening of course plumbing the profundity of what you do, the way the world goes.