Immortal

Oh red days, bloodied from war, have found end.
There, the stars come upon the midnight
and the broken and wounded gaze upon.
The shimmering moon mirrors their gaze,
giving hope to hopeless nights.

Though the tent shakes from the cold wind,
a heart of fire breathes within.
Courage takes the plunge into icy waters.
So does the soldier fight the fierce battle
that he may see the midnight glass, endless velvet,
that he may be with his love for ever,

that he may sing many songs with her
upon the hillsides and echoing mountains.
He holds her in his arms, fearing the day he cannot.
He loves her more than his mighty sword and strong shield
for she is truly his mighty sword and his strong shield,
that which gives him haste in battle and keeps his heart lit.

Even in death and before its come, he loves her still.
Though the cold hand may calm his burning heart,
it cannot calm his love for her, kindled in spirit, not in flesh.
There, in his spirit, she remains.

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Malone

Good read overall. It think when you use "breaths" in the second stanza you meant "breathes."
The fist two lines of the second stanza kind of put me in a night time, soldier sleeping mentality, then you jump to talking about battles. I can see how you make the transition, but it caught me off guard both times I read it.
midnight glass, endless velvel are both great images on their own, but they seem to be contradictory, when is, well, glass, and the other is a fabric. Both smooth on their own, but not when comparing velvet to glass.
When this took a turn toward fantasy, the whole soldier fighting for his love (or is it that the thought of her keeps him trying to stay alive?) kind of ruined it for me. Before that, it could have been any universal battlefield, Civil War or Iraq, but then you take it to fantasy land. That's just a personal dislike.
Thanks for sharing.

Immortal

Oops, yea, I meant breathes. I'm not the greatest at getting everything in my mind down on paper, but I put down what I think is most important, which , more often than not, is not enough.

In my mind, the first stanza is like the time and place. Red days have found end - war is over.The soldiers are all outside their tents (hint from 2nd stanza) looking up at the stars and the giant moon, giving hope to hopeless nights, meaning its sheer beauty is great enough to ease their suffering.
I left out the image in my mind of a lady, a nurse, some female who is also gazing upon, halting her efforts to bandage the soldiers laying on the ground.

The second stanza began with the thought of the soldiers in their tents sleeping with cold winds beating against their tents to no avail because the fire beating within the soldiers. What is that? Well, its courage. Why courage? I'm not sure why I put down courage instead of perseverance or something else, but one thing came to me that was for certain, which was that courage takes the plunge into icy waters - like a soldier fighting a fierce battle. I'm guessing this is where I lost most of my audience members, but it made so much sense to me. So, yea he fights the fierce battle but why? Well, because there is someone he loves back home that he wants to go with and gaze upon skies like those in the first stanza. From there I went on about how she is truly what gives him that courage to fight (and persevere, which I didn't mention).

I hope this clarifies my efforts.

Thanks for the response Malone.

__________________
Official Signature Quote: "Wigga wigga nutshire!"

"Never let your schoolin' interfere with your education." -Mark Twain

Pete_C

For a poem based on emotion, I found it cold. It's all well and good to write about emotion, but including it is something else. This lacked a sense of vulnerability and that made it read slightly false.

Try injecting some genuine feeling, some brutal honesty that means we can at least have empathy with the voice.

lightening@warcraft

I extremely enjoyed this, but(a little bit of critique) i thought that midnight and night were a bit repetative, instead of night yuo could have possibly made the line into blight... or something else and the gaze in the 2nd and 3rd line seemed a tiny bit repetative. But other than that i loved how you structured it!

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Death i fear- is within a step and now i losing now my sanity have my last dying words.