wheelz1138

Soiled swirls dangle under the nose,
Of their mammoth oppressor,
begging, pleading, to be spared their awful fate.

Thousands scream out,
though no one cares.

More friends torn apart;
A spicy odor is exposed.
The grinding, sifting mechanism,
slicing through them all.

Red tortured souls,
though no one cares.

There they lie,
millions of lives,
strewn about in a crimson pile.
Soon they'll be ingredients in...
a pie.

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Autumn

a vivid impression of anonymous unnecessary death comes through in this piece, but, i'm not very sure whether it's war, traffic, industrial agriculture or technology that's doing the killing, maybe all of them?? personally, could do with a bit more imagery, a longer versionto bring your subject to life.

ieuan

Seems like a bad cold to me.

regards

Ieuan

>KârK<

I agree with Autumn on most counts. I feel "has killed them all" could be reworded to sound less mundane, and maybe also "millions of bodies". It kind of mde me think of victims being lowered head-first into a giant spinning blade like in a Saw movie or something. Or maybe I'm just weird.

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>Kârk<

MisterJack

That had crossed my mind too

After a couple of reads, I read this as another rant against war. The West being the 'machine' slaughtering the 'innocents', the collateral damage.

I wasn't entirely sure what 'soiled swirls' were?, why they were dangling under the nose? Obviously if my interperetation is correct then I suppose they are the victims, but the discription didn't seem to fit.

If it IS what I think it is, then it's not as strong, by a long way, as it could be. If you're tackling political pieces they need to really bite the reader in the arse and say 'I'M HERE MOTHERF*****' which this is far from doing. Words like 'killed' are too weak to bring the message home with a punch in the face.

After a few more reads, I came to the conclusion that it may steer more towads being a piece about genocide, if so then the image of who is committing the act and the image of the victims needs to be a bit clearer. The 'Hardened' steel machine? Why 'Hardened, hardened by/against what? You mention RED tortured souls, as there is no punctuation here, I assume the victims are red (blood) where the tormentors could be seen as 'RED' with a comma or semi.

Lots of questions and I look forward to the answers. Until I know the standing of the piece and your intentions, I can't really offer much in the way of critique to make it work better.

I want to like this.

Ramble over

Regards
Jack

ps: if it's nothing to do with any of the above, please ignore my comments

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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wheelz1138

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