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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
11-18-2007, 11:25 AM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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You cannot stop Genius
removed
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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Last edited by MisterJack : 03-01-2008 at 09:04 AM.
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11-18-2007, 11:30 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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I recall seeing this on another forum. A good pice of work. Kudos.
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11-18-2007, 11:38 AM
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#3
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Mentor
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 5,085
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Nice. I'd remove "also" after his gran says he's smart. It kind of hung me up and I think it would read better without.
Cool stuff.
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11-18-2007, 05:58 PM
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#4
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Scribe
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: state of total despair, South Africa
Gender: Female
Posts: 82
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I'm not feeling the gran. She is too sagely and talkative, and the fact that he is a genius is not coming across in any other way.
I like the subtext and all the onion symbolism.
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11-18-2007, 06:31 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Britain
Gender: Male
Posts: 660
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It's just a little too immature for my tastes.
__________________
"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar
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11-18-2007, 06:54 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: capital of Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 244
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It reads to me like a fairy-tale, otherwordly and kind with a sinister moment. The onion is such a living entity in this, even if its meaning is ambiguous. Because of the prose flow, you could make the lines longer, thus compacting the whole piece. Just a thought.
Very interesting work. I was keeping up with your every word, like a child in the midst of imagining.
Thanks for the read, Jack.
d.b.
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02-23-2008, 12:08 PM
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#7
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Writer
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 41
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‘sssnnipp’
I felt the moisture in the air, smelled the onion as it was cut.
Marvellous.
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02-23-2008, 12:58 PM
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#8
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 790
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Well, I had to read this one. Apparently, it's an old piece and quite different from what you produce now, Jack.
Strong narrative curve. Very evocative.
I think you should give it a trim, fix the enjambment (i.e. verses that end on 'of' or 'isn't) and avoid dialogue tags when possible (without compromising the discernment of the speakers); then you have yourself a sagacious, folkloric poem.
Good work.
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02-23-2008, 02:19 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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I thought this died ages ago, thanks for reincarnating it Vik and welcome to the forums. Thanks for the comments also.
Mirror, you didn't see this before? It is rather messy as is and I have rewritten it since. Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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