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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
11-16-2007, 03:17 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: ENGLAND
Posts: 1,722
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Shades of a man.
Shades of a man creep by my shadow, mockery hidden in sallow corners
Absinthe reflection held on glass, my breath revealed.
Each one held within a mist of memory too loud.
I cry.
Once and only once clarity laughed for a moment.
Ignorance was always bliss my ignorance.
Held so precious, it had value counted in small coin.
I wait.
Each moment sliced by the razor of time,it passes.
Then I stepped forward into my life.
For the first time it felt, somehow warm.
I die…..
__________________
One thing in life is certain you wont get out alive
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11-16-2007, 03:19 PM
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#2
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Mentor
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,680
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Awesome. I know the feeling. First line really kicks ass.
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11-18-2007, 03:44 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: ENGLAND
Posts: 1,722
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Thanks glad you liked it.
G.
__________________
One thing in life is certain you wont get out alive
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11-18-2007, 04:03 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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I like the poem. I would suggest either breaking the first line or, which I think better, move this phrase to the end. I think that would create a more mysterious impact.
Quote:
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Shades of a man creep by my shadow
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11-18-2007, 04:09 PM
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#5
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Mentor
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,680
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That's a good idea, Baron, but the finality of "I die..." is such a good finisher. I can see your point, though, and it could definitely work. The lines so good, it could really work anywhere. Beginning with the reflection line would be cool. I don't know, I'm torn.
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11-18-2007, 04:22 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Gender: Female
Posts: 279
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I like "I die.." much better. The "shades" line is the perfect opener and too long to be the end.
__________________
"The vivid tulips eat my oxygen."
-Plath
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11-18-2007, 04:25 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cinder and smoke
I like "I die.." much better. The "shades" line is the perfect opener and too long to be the end.
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Didn't suggest moving the whole line, just the phrase quoted. |
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11-18-2007, 04:29 PM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Oxford
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,349
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Hey Gordon.
Still don't like the repeat of 'ignorance'. Perhaps a comma after 'bliss'?
I still love the piece though, deffinately one of my favourites of yours.
Regards
Jack
__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.
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11-18-2007, 04:31 PM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Gender: Female
Posts: 279
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Baron: Oh, I failed to mention that by the "shades" line, I meant what you had quoted. Bad bad me 
__________________
"The vivid tulips eat my oxygen."
-Plath
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05-16-2008, 06:30 PM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: ENGLAND
Posts: 1,722
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Thnks for reading Baron I think i,ll leave it as is for now glad everyone liked the shades line.
G.
__________________
One thing in life is certain you wont get out alive
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