ChestersDaughter

Dear Pete C., Why would I call you a bastard for stating your opinion when you are more than entitled to do so. You seem to think I am a complete failure as a writer, but I don't agree. I, myself, am a work in progress. Even 20 bad apples don't spoil the entire bushel. I must admit that you have discouraged me just a wee bit, but one thing I have never been is a quitter.

MisterJack

I completely agree with Pete C's comments.
I don't think he was saying you are a complete failure as a writer, I think he was pointing out that the pieces that you write are too big for you at this stage. The heavy, emotional subjects have been covered soooo many times, and few are very good, so don't be disheartened.
Choose something different to write about. If you feel rhyme is your forte, stick to jolly subjects of strolls on the beach, or playing games in the park, walking the dog, baking a cake, anything. There are so many subjects you could choose to tightened your writing up and improve your skill. THEN, have a bash at stuff like this if the needs must.
Read, practice, read, practice and most of all, be patient. This forum and others like it will be here for many moons so take your time.

I like the fact that you are stubborn enough to keep writing. Shows promise in itself, that.

Take care

Jack

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If it claims to be God, eat it.

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Pete_C

If I thought that, I wouldn't have wasted my time replying. I just think you need to move on. You can't do what you're currently trying to do; I can't do what you're trying to do. It's just advice. When it doesn't work after several attempts, change tack.

ChestersDaughter

Dear Mister Jack, Your words were kinder and easier to swallow. I appreciate that. After mulling it over, I have to admit that I resemble the overly zealous intern who bites off more than they can chew. I guess it is time to pause, regroup, and find a more appropriate venue. Thank you for your comments.

Baron

When you get thrown, you climg back on the horse and ride.

I suggest that as an exercise you take a prompt, like one from the recent challenges, nature or moonlight, and work something from that. The way to get to where you want to be is to rethink and then strech yourself. I don't believe that you are one to back away.

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ChestersDaughter

Dear Pete C, Thank you for making me feel just a little bit better. This horse isn't dead yet, it just has to find a new trail to traverse.

Baron

If you believe that then I'd like to see you take the model, rework it yourself and show these guys what you can do.

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ChestersDaughter

Dear Baron, Thank you for your encouragement, as well as your abundant kindness. At one time nature was all I wrote about. Maybe it's time for me to go back to the thing I was most comfortable with. As for reworking your excellent model, I will try to do my best, but it is going to take some time for me to get it right. At this point I am a bit hesitant to place my head upon the chopping block unless I can create something of value. My neck is still smarting from my last experience. Again my sincere thanks to you. All the best , CD

ieuan

Rape is a rotten crime, that's a fact. Another fact is this is a poor poem, it is jarring has no regular beat, is poor to read aloud and has little to recommend it. I thought at first it was a parody on a rape poem, but then realised you were serious.

You have tried to rhyme in a regualr way, but rhyme alone cannot a poem make. you should at least try to get the sylable count even for easy reading that would go some way to making it decent.

Sorry, that's all I can say except I hope Nelsen did the decent thing in the end and offered to marry you.

Ieuan

Baron

You cannot be serious.

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Severn

Er, Iuean, I think you're confusing young men from the 50's who got their girlfriends pregnant with rapists. I sure hope so.

As to the poem. It's not a good poem. I'm not even going to critique it. What I am going to say is - Chesters, if writing helps, write. You might not get good results, fine. Seriously, if it's carthatic, write ok? The results might not be the kind of poems you want to put up for critique, that's all.

dannyboy

I'd scrap the whole form of this poem. This form is for you.

I'd search for an image - maybe something to do with Perespherone?

Or Medea?

But I'd search for a woman outside of yourself and your own experience, detail that image so that it captures the pain/betrayal etc and allows the Reader to experience the emotion rather than make us witnesses to the event.


as for form - free verse etc. The answer is to read a heap of poetry. Not the stuff on here, read this too, but published poetry. Start with maybe Pound or Plath (excellent imagists) or some irish poetry.

good luck with everything.

Ilasir Maroa

I wouldn't say it's crap, but I do have to say that the rhyme killed the emotion. The rhymes were too happy, and so was the scheme. I don't think it would be impossible to amke a poem like this rhyme, but it would take a hell of a lot of work.


Iuean, that is not the right thing for a rapist to do. The right thing for a rapist to do is go to jail, or be hanged on the spot.

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ieuan

uhm, I took the rape to be a guy who got carried away and made a mistake with his girlfriend.

I thought we were not supposed to comment on other people's comments other than the original poster giving reaons or arguing the merits out with the critic. I though repying to other people posts was only for the originator of the post and hence limited the possibility of a flaming war and avoided the thread being hijacked? Wasn't that in the rules?

Ieuan

p.s. And if I am not breaking the rules I think the originartor can respond any way they like if someone is offensive including using words like B*** as long as it doesn't break the rules, but not for anyone else. they should stick to critiquing the piece.

On second thoughts about my original comments, the poem could work as verse if you fit the rhymes in the lines not at the end, but you do need some editing. I would let a bit of hate out as well, get your feelings straight and let rip, then edit for form.

Normally poeple don't own up to how much of their own experince goes into a work, it protects their privacy that way. Just a thought.

Severn

I just re-read the rules, Iuean, and don't see anything like that in there. Such a hard and fast rule would limit discussion anyway, don't you think?

Me, I'm genuinely concerned that a person might think a marriage proposal can 'make up' for a rape. There's a common misconception in society that date-rape is 'less' of a crime, or violation, than stranger rape, or rape from a family member.

Rape is rape. A crime. A violation. It is never a case of getting 'carried away.'

Crime.
Crime.

~exits~