this city runs in circles - Writers Forum

littletimebomb · 11-12-2007, 08:20 PM

This life runs in circles.
.....Cogs of gossip turn like clocks
........in old Victorian houses
that creak and crack and almost
.....collapse from everything
........they must witness.

This poem runs in circles,
.....second stanza currently under construction.

Severn · 11-12-2007, 08:35 PM

Ok, so I get the repetition is cyclical with the theme. That doesn't mean I have to like it however. I think you're trying to cram your poem into a theme, and it's feeling forced. So rather than questioning a 'this' or a 'that' I suggest thinking about whether you want that repetition at all.

Now, the stuff between those lines, I like.

In this stanza:

Cogs of gossip turn like clocks
........in old Victorian houses
that creak and crack and almost
.....collapse from everything
........they must witness.

I don't think the 'must' is necessary. Again, I'm reminded of a Hans Andersen story 'The Old House'. Sheesh, what is it with you people? ~grins~

Oh, a title - I'd need to see revision first before I could go there.

littletimebomb · 11-12-2007, 10:27 PM

Thanks for the advice Severn. I actually like the repetion, the only one I'm willing to get rid of one of them, but that's about it. The poem is suppose to be kind of themey, I wrote it to be the last piece to a collection of poems that I'm putting together which I'm going to call samsara (the cycle of human suffering.) The poem is definetly not intended to be the diamond of the book, but I wanted it to conclude everything in it and tie it into the title of Samsara.

horace.person · 11-12-2007, 10:27 PM

i really enjoyed that first stanza. and i kept liking it up to those first three lines of the last stanza. those last few lines not so sure about, they're just telling and not showing (which the first stanza did superbly). i'd suggest maybe trying to throw another stanza in there, but that may be my strangely-innate love of threes.

thanks for the read

catacomb_kitten · 11-12-2007, 10:36 PM

Im really not too fond of it, as its been pointed out, the first stanza is very good, but the poem gets lack luster in the second stanza...unnecesary words and such. keep working.

The Duke · 11-12-2007, 10:50 PM

I'd make it

Junkies chasing spare change
and biblical dreams
from tread mills, to strip malls,
through McDonalds, back to dark bars.

But that'd be a big change.

littletimebomb · 11-13-2007, 12:20 AM

thanks for the suggestions everyone. I changed it around a little bit. Is it any better? And if not where exactly does it go bad, right after the first stanza, or after Biblical dreams? Or maybe its the fact that theres aliteration in the first stanza, but not in the second?

aubie84 · 11-13-2007, 12:26 AM

I'm sort of with everyone else. I really, really liked the first stanza. The second stanza, to me, is very problematic. At the end of the day, I don't really get it. Plus, I see problems with capitalization, spelling, etc.

aubie84

surfacetoday · 11-13-2007, 12:40 AM

Do clocks turn?
Doesn't make sense; reeks faintly of cliche. Not so bad as "wheel," but close.

Why victorian houses? Is this significant, or merely for imagery? Does gossip only turn in old victorian houses -- or is that purely for phonetics?

'Creak and crack' is great; it really conjures the feeling, but lose 'almost collapse'. It is already implied.

Second stanza:
The repetition is not so bad -- but why does life chase junkies, in particular? Sounds like an attempt to add some edge by bringing up underworld vulgarities.
But, the 'spare change, and biblical dreams' is quite good, with an excellent ring to it, so I would just use that.

Again the 'dive bars' line, sounds like a shallow attempt for edginess, so why? The santa clause is pretty good, so maybe you could contrast it with something lighter? Unless, of course, you've had many christmas dinners in dive bars, and the line has close personal attatchment.

Good luck, and I hope to see an edit soon.

littletimebomb · 11-13-2007, 12:53 AM

life tends to chase junkies in my experience (because junkies are running away from it, then when they can't cop are forced to deal with it), victorian houses do hold significance as I lived in one and the cogs of gossip are from that time.

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I'm stressed (this is why I stop writing and go on benders from time to time.) I've given up for the night. I'm running around in circles with this poem and the irony of it all makes me want to slit my wrists.

(I'm being melodrmatic of couse)

surfacetoday · 11-13-2007, 01:28 AM

But why junkies? Doesn't it chase everyone? Everyone tries to escape mundanities and obligations, and are eventually forced to cope.