aubie84

Words
Fly at me
Through windows
Of memory ---
Some spoken,
Some thought,
Still more merely
Understood.
I grasp for them,
But most escape me.
Those caught
End up in poetry,
Or some nonsensical
Turn of a phrased
Remembrance.

Words
Fly from me;
From my mind's
Severed artery ---
Some helpful,
Some hurtful,
Still more merely
Making fun.
At best,
They end in poetry,
Or some symmetrical
Snapshot of soul's
Surveillance.

A man in a bar,
The light from a star.
There's a poem
Wherever
I are.

My fingers are jonesing
For the weight of the pen,
The sight of the page,
The heft on an "N."
My heart beats aflutter
Midst fiery reflection
On things you'd not see
Without my direction.

***

Lash away! I need the critique!

aubie84

Kmetamorphosis

Is there any need for the change in style after the third stanza? The third stanza feels completely out of place and the poem feels like it's meant to be a song. I loved the rhyme scheme and flow of the first two stanzas though. Good job there.

aubie84

Kmet,

Thanks. Actually, the juxtaposition of the first/second and third/fourth stanzas is intentional. I wouldn't exactly call this satire, but the third stanza is a bit of a mocking of certain people who try their hand at this difficult craft. Perhaps it's even meant to mock my own work. The fourth stanza is the same, except aimed only at those particularly brooding and self-important poets who believe that only they can see the world as it really is.

All that said, when style and form and meter are stripped away, I think the whole poem rings true. I think the first and second stanzas stand on their own merit. As for the third, there is a potential poem in everything. And as for the fourth, the successful poet can make a person see something in life that he or she wouldn't otherwise.

I guess, to sum it up, it's part satire, part serious. Depends on how you read it.

aubie84

aubie84

Can I bump this for further critique?

aubie84

Severn

Hah, I like the thought behind the poem - we 'artistes' can be an arrogant, all-knowing bunch no?

Poetically speaking, it's problematic.

I'm not 'seeing' anything from this, I'm just being told. The best parts are the lines with a touch of imagery:

Or some symmetrical
Snapshot of soul's
Surveillance.

A man in a bar,
The light from a star.
There's a poem
Wherever
I are.

My fingers are jonesing
For the weight of the pen,
The sight of the page,

However, the grammatically incorrect 'There's a poem wherever I are' reads less like rebellion, or a turn of phrase, and more like an attempt to squish a rhyme against 'bar' and 'star', which ruins the effect completely.

My fingers are jonesing
For the weight of the pen,
The sight of the page,
The heft on an "N."
My heart beats aflutter
Midst fiery reflection
On things you'd not see
Without my direction

This starts off well, and then descends into language I'd look for in a poem 90 years ago, language that to me says 'this is poetic dammit'.

So the combination of telling, jarring rhymes, and forced poeticism makes for a clumsy job over all.

But I can see its potential, its ability to say something that might on the face of it seem simple, but holds some home truths.

Have a look at your language choices - particurlarly that old-fashioned language in the last verse that doens't fit the rest of your word choices, and your rhyming. Perhaps, if you're willing to, see if you can find an image or two for the first couple of verses, have a play with them.

aubie84

Severn,

Thanks! As an admitted non-poet, that's exactly what I need.

I guess my first question would be are the first two stanzas decent?

I can work on the last two. But it might take some time. I was definitely going for something here and it will take work to address your criticisms and maintain that.

Again, thanks!

aubie84

Severn

Hey, you're welcome.

The first two stanzas sound exactly like what they are:

An unschooled attempt from a just-beginning, non-poet (though that's not really true now is it).

This isn't a bad thing, and I'm not attempting to be patronising when I say 'we all start somewhere', because we really all do.

It's hard to get our heads around writing poetically sometimes. Rhyming is certainly not enough, and, if not done well, is more crippling than anything else. Me? I can't rhyme for crap. I don't either bother trying.

The first stanza simply tells a reader that the poem's subject thinks. That's it. It's a very long way of saying 'I had a thought and I wrote about it'; in its present form, I wouldn't call it decent. It needs a lot of work.

Simple advice: read poems. It sounds trite, I know, but it's true. The more you read, coupled with writing, the better most get.

aubie84

I've probably read more poetry than any other literary form.

Perhaps I'm a lost cause.

Still, I'll take your criticisms and work toward the light. I'm not sure what you meant by your parenthetical, but I'm most assuredly unschooled as a (non-) poet. I write prose mostly. Occasionally I'll throw a (bad) poem together out of a want to be versatile. That, plus I think I write some of my best LINES (not entire works) in that form.

Again, thanks, and I'll work toward the light.

aubie84

surfacetoday

I dislike the use of 'jonesing.'

You're better than that.

The first stanza is best...

Less discernible than the others, which come off as somewhat pompous.

The third stanza is terrible.

__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.

www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff

aubie84

Thanks, surface. I don't know whether I'm "better than that" or not. Poetry is new to me, something that (I hope) I'm just beginning to understand.

Everyone hates the third stanza. I actually put it there with intent. But, if it doesn't work with readers, it doesn't work.

Thanks, again.

aubie84

surfacetoday

I know you put it there with intent.
But it does suck.
So change it.

__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.

www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff

aubie84

Ooooooooooooookay.