Ben

Baron

An unfortunate choice of words for the last line?

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horace.person

awesome

even the last line

awesome

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had to remove picture, couldn't think of something creative enough to replace it with, go figure --

Pete_C

That gave me a chuckle. Even if it was meant straight-faced, an ironic twist of tugging at the heart strings, I still admit I had a good laugh.

littletimebomb

I liked it, I was little confused on how she'd be selling cigarettes with out hands, but that was answered in the second stanza. A note is money right? I sometimes get mixed up with different cultural terminology. I have to agree with Pete C, the last line made me laugh (I scolded myself for doing so). I thought it was a good piece though, hopefully you were trying to get a little humor out of it

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"All I ever wanted was to pick apart the day,
and put the pieces back together my way." -Aesop Rock


"Life is like a song, can you keep the beat?"-Felt

dannyboy

drop straight - forward says it all

I like that last line - its almost a plea/a joke/ and a comment about the N's motives...

Severn

Jeez, the tragic irony.

I'd love to know the intention of that last line. Sometimes, as readers, it can look really purposeful, but sometimes as writers we can miss it completely when we write a pun. So, although it looks really obvious, did you mean the last line as said tragic irony? Whatever, the case, it works. I like it.

Actually, it put me in mind of Hans Andersen's 'Little Match Girl', in another cultural setting.

Ben

Baron: 'fraid not. Explanation is below. Thanks for reading.

horace.person: thank you very much.

Pete C & littletimebomb: was meant as a very dry sort of humour. And then you remember you're laughing at an armless little girl. And yep, a note is money. Thanks both for reading and commenting.

dannyboy: straight shall be dropped. Thanks for reading, mate.

Severn: the last line was quite intentional. Dannyboy hit the nail on the head, perfectly. It concerns the narrator's motives in his bit of charity towards the little girl. While the last line is the 'clincher', the second to last also has the same intention. The way I see it, he's holding out the note for the little girl to take, but how is she meant to? There are really several ways you can interpret it. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you like it.

huni

Now you point out the second to last line "offering", the whole poem changed for me from tragic/punny to darkly cynical. Well done. I would like to see "forward" changed to 'ahead'. (well spotted D.) It flows on my reading of it a bit better. huni

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each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust

Ben

Thanks for reading, huni. Always good to hear from you. I'll consider the change. At the moment I'm leaning towards your way of thinking.