Raising the Waters - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 11-09-2007, 05:57 PM

Raising the Waters

To me spirits, ripple forth;
Up ye come from frozen north.
Bubble, surface, float aloft;
Whisper waters, soothing soft...

Flowing fingers, frothy eyes,
Liquid lips ooze calming lies.
Tell me falsely, tell me true;
Lie too much, I'll banish you.

Sing to me of sunken realms,
Captains still at rusted helms;
Or if ye know naught but the streams,
Tell me tales of heron dreams.

Let rivers run and currents claim,
But meet my musings just the same.
A sundered soul within your mirrors
I raise ye, waters, with my tears.

Baron · 11-09-2007, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Raising the Waters

To me spirits, ripple forth;
Up ye come from frozen north.
Bubble, surface, float aloft;
Whisper waters, soothing soft...

Flowing fingers, frothy eyes,
Liquid lips ooze calming lies.
Tell me false, tell me true
Just know that I'll get back at you. don't like this line it seems to drop out of the stanza.

Sing to me of sunken realms,
Captains still at rusted helms;
Or if ye know naught but the lakes,
Tell me tales of of writhing snakes. Not sure about the images in this stanza, it seems forced.

Let rivers run and currents claim,
But meet my musings just the same.
A sundered soul within in your mirrors typo?
I raise the waters with my tears.

Ilasir Maroa · 11-09-2007, 06:13 PM

Um... yeah, the last line in that stanza was, forced, and I plan to alter it, but I wanted some feedback on the rest.

"typo" yes.

huni · 11-09-2007, 06:14 PM

Fabulous. That's all. h

Azmakna · 11-09-2007, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Raising the Waters

To me spirits, ripple forth;
Up ye come from frozen north.
Bubble, surface, float aloft;
Whisper waters, soothing soft...

it's going to knacker the rhyming, but i'm not sure about 'forth' and 'ye'. 'ye' can be changed without a problem though. i don't really think you can 'float aloft' unless you mean in the air... but i don't think you do.

Flowing fingers, frothy eyes,
Liquid lips ooze calming lies.
Tell me falsely, tell me true;
Lie too much, I'll banish you.

Sing to me of sunken realms,
Captains still at rusted helms;
Or if ye know naught but the streams,
Tell me tales of heron dreams.

Let rivers run and currents claim,
But meet my musings just the same.
A sundered soul within your mirrors
I raise ye, waters, with my tears.

there's that 'ye' again

i quite like this... i just want it to feel more 'modern'

Ilasir Maroa · 11-09-2007, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

i quite like this... i just want it to feel more 'modern'

It's not supposed to be modern. It's a Wiccan (with specific lineage and influences) incantation for calling up water spirits, associated with the North.

And yes, as spirits, they can "float aloft" as long as they are over water.

Azmakna · 11-09-2007, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

It's not supposed to be modern. It's a Wiccan (with specific lineage and influences) incantation for calling up water spirits, associated with the North.

And yes, as spirits, they can "float aloft" as long as they are over water.

oh lol... guess it's just my ignorance then.

Ilasir Maroa · 11-09-2007, 06:34 PM

No, it's me writing poetry with too much unknown background.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 11-09-2007, 06:45 PM

Sounds like something you exclaim on a mountain top by the sea and/or in dark woods by some brook in Iceland. Do they have brooks in Iceland? Assuming they do, I quite enjoyed this. If they don't, well....