Passion. - Writers Forum

Rednecklace · 11-08-2007, 07:27 PM

Uncontrollably drawn into the deep
From pores and soul it seeps
From two clouds
Light hits the ground
An illuminous showcase of strength
Going the distance and length
Unseparable is the attraction
Magnetism in its proper fashion
An intensely desirable interaction
A burning flame to heats satisfaction
Electrified is the feel to touch
Finger tips caressing only to clutch
Enthusiasm unwilling to stall
Savoring its time
bring it to a crawl
Exceptional to the eyes of sight
Like reflected rays of sun light
Bouncing off the moon
Throughout the darkened night
Take it in
and be quite
Harbor the feeling
that seems so right.

Baron · 11-08-2007, 07:33 PM

The format is reminiscent of a hammerhead shark that's been hit by a steamhammer. I suggest that you left format and then think again about the line breaks and construction. You might also consider if there might be a more original way of putting across your message.

Rednecklace · 11-08-2007, 07:49 PM

There is no other way for me to write poetry then what I feel, and I am not to worried about the format, as long as people get the just. But when you say there might be a more original way of putting my message across, do mean the rhyme that goes with the poem could be less rhymy?

Baron · 11-08-2007, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rednecklace

There is no other way for me to write poetry then what I feel, and I am not to worried about the format, as long as people get the just. But when you say there might be a more original way of putting my message across, do mean the rhyme that goes with the poem could be less rhymy?

Centreing is fine as a deliberate device when it serves a purpose. In this case it just hides an uneven form. You'd do well to left format then look at it and try to work a regular beat. Look at some of your metaphors and ask yourslef how many of them are original, how many could be expressed in a more original way. Writing the feeling is the beginning; editting to make it yours is what seperates a poem for your diary from one that others want to read.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 11-08-2007, 07:59 PM

Take Baron's advice, just to try something new. Keep an open mind about these things and see what comes of them.

Rednecklace · 11-08-2007, 09:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Centreing is fine as a deliberate device when it serves a purpose. In this case it just hides an uneven form. You'd do well to left format then look at it and try to work a regular beat. Look at some of your metaphors and ask yourslef how many of them are original, how many could be expressed in a more original way. Writing the feeling is the beginning; editting to make it yours is what seperates a poem for your diary from one that others want to read.

Well its a force of habit to center my peices and something I find attractive. Does it really matter how I put it on a page?

I just flow. How more original can you get? I mean those are my words that came from my mind. I dunno, is that bad? I feel that I was knocking on my head when I put this down.

Editting is good sometimes. I dunno I am taking your wordz in anyhow. I just can't quite grasp them yet cause I have my own pre-concieved ideas. This was not written as a diary aspect either.

Rednecklace · 11-08-2007, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

Take Baron's advice, just to try something new. Keep an open mind about these things and see what comes of them.

I will try something new. My mind is always open and thanks to both of you for making me a bit more aware.