lol I like that you are trying. We aren't that hard to pleased, we are all leaning here and so please your self first, then we get to bash it apart. But you have still at least pleased someone.
)
So Horace let me at this one:
The world is different
today. I wonder aloud,
“Can you hear my thoughts?” (this kind of reminiscing is hard to do poetically I'd suggest be plain and simple, use everyday language poetically not poetic language in an everyday way. Your first line had me thinking globally so I think use 'feels'/'seems' instead of 'is' then the reader stays with N)
The shuttle runs late most days;
risky students brave new weather
for quick deliverance. (risky stopped me. so: students risk/brave ? weather. Here you can create a mood by the type of weather you choose, dark black, wild, rebellious, sweet, mad, or something wonderfully original
Why deliverance, this kind of obscurity just annoys me, so probably at least a few other readers s as well)
As I reach into my pocket
for the time, I’m caught in the face (this line - meh)
by a wintry breeze. (wintry = breeze?)
I feel the cool dance
across my face, like mischief--
airborne--yet delightful. (this stanza is good)
As a red sports car speeds
along I’m instantly back inside
my head, thinking freely. (why, what's the connection to the N life and why should we care about that? really - I as the reader really need to know)
I realize now that I spoke
aloud and have the attention
of beauties and beasts. (I just got what I am having the biggest trouble with, you seem to be recording your thoughts not writing an experience of them and the events. )
It’s just something
I must appreciate. I reiterate:
“Do you know what I’m thinking?”
I think Elasir has touched on what I feel is holding this back for you Horace maybe some more input from that direction will add to mine, because I'm still struggling to find what you wanted poem to say. Keep writing - it's pretty great when posters respond to crits like you have. Plus I always learn when I crit a poem, so thanks for this chance
) huni
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