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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
11-07-2007, 10:56 PM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
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Split Choir
I’ve got divorced coffee cups
glued to my desk.
In silent reverie they sing.
Mouthes open at the wet white lid,
the dark-tongued spit stretches their words out,
and their thoughts stain the sheets
with a loving erase:
a brown heart,
in black ink.
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.
www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff
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11-07-2007, 10:59 PM
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#2
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Writer
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 43
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phenominal passage.
also i love bright eyes so yeah.
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11-07-2007, 11:01 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,693
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lol, funny and well-written, you must be taken. 
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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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11-07-2007, 11:08 PM
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#4
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
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God,
I thought this was sad.
But thankyou? Ilasor.
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.
www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff
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11-08-2007, 08:23 AM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Strange and spare and well thought out, I can tell. I didn't catch "sad" aside from divorced coffee cups.
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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11-08-2007, 03:48 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
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Any suggestions eiji?
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.
www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff
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11-08-2007, 04:00 PM
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#7
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Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 12
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I thought this was pretty powerful!
For some reason, I liked the way the lines began to shorten towards the end.
I guess the whole thing just read smoothly.
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11-08-2007, 06:53 PM
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#8
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by surfacetoday
Any suggestions eiji?
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Lean more tranquil than strange (the tongue and mouthes stuff) and you will probably find "sad" at some point. Like I expected you to play on the coffee cup image more (in a down-to-earth way) and that might have made for some sad stuff.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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11-08-2007, 08:29 PM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
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That's not really the point -- it wasn't intended to be sad, per say.
It was just the feeling I got from it.
I don't want to get rid of the weirdness,
so I guess it'll come off however it does.
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.
www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff
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11-08-2007, 08:32 PM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I'll write the sad version then. That's usually what I do anyhow. "Melancholy".
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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11-08-2007, 08:35 PM
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#11
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Scribe
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Gender: Male
Posts: 90
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i'm very ambivalent about this poem. it's surreal and i like it but, mayhaps, it just doesn't "jive" well. i have no other way of putting it.
however, i do enjoy reading it. it's almost bittersweet.
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had to remove picture, couldn't think of something creative enough to replace it with, go figure --
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11-08-2007, 08:44 PM
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#12
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
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i don't really understand what you mean at all.
You enjoy reading it... but dislike it?
Maybe you could tell me what "jive" means?
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.
www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff
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11-08-2007, 08:45 PM
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#13
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Ny
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
I'll write the sad version then. That's usually what I do anyhow. "Melancholy".
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go for it, man. post it up here
__________________
Eat shit and poop it out, then repeat ten million times til you become a saggy old basset hound.
www.myspace.com/jakeharms
for music, writing stuff
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