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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 11-07-2007, 10:56 PM   #1
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Split Choir

I’ve got divorced coffee cups

glued to my desk.

In silent reverie they sing.

Mouthes open at the wet white lid,

the dark-tongued spit stretches their words out,

and their thoughts stain the sheets

with a loving erase:

a brown heart,

in black ink.
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Old 11-07-2007, 10:59 PM   #2
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phenominal passage.
also i love bright eyes so yeah.
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Old 11-07-2007, 11:01 PM   #3
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lol, funny and well-written, you must be taken.
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Old 11-07-2007, 11:08 PM   #4
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God,
I thought this was sad.

But thankyou? Ilasor.
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Old 11-08-2007, 08:23 AM   #5
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Strange and spare and well thought out, I can tell. I didn't catch "sad" aside from divorced coffee cups.
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Old 11-08-2007, 03:48 PM   #6
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Any suggestions eiji?
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Old 11-08-2007, 04:00 PM   #7
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I thought this was pretty powerful!

For some reason, I liked the way the lines began to shorten towards the end.

I guess the whole thing just read smoothly.
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Old 11-08-2007, 06:53 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by surfacetoday View Post
Any suggestions eiji?
Lean more tranquil than strange (the tongue and mouthes stuff) and you will probably find "sad" at some point. Like I expected you to play on the coffee cup image more (in a down-to-earth way) and that might have made for some sad stuff.
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Old 11-08-2007, 08:29 PM   #9
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That's not really the point -- it wasn't intended to be sad, per say.
It was just the feeling I got from it.
I don't want to get rid of the weirdness,
so I guess it'll come off however it does.
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Old 11-08-2007, 08:32 PM   #10
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I'll write the sad version then. That's usually what I do anyhow. "Melancholy".
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Old 11-08-2007, 08:35 PM   #11
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i'm very ambivalent about this poem. it's surreal and i like it but, mayhaps, it just doesn't "jive" well. i have no other way of putting it.

however, i do enjoy reading it. it's almost bittersweet.
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Old 11-08-2007, 08:44 PM   #12
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i don't really understand what you mean at all.
You enjoy reading it... but dislike it?
Maybe you could tell me what "jive" means?
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Old 11-08-2007, 08:45 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi View Post
I'll write the sad version then. That's usually what I do anyhow. "Melancholy".
go for it, man. post it up here
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