Amber Leaf

Faithful friends – feathery fair hair.
Spare the time spent together as companions.

Forceful facial expression on the dance floor
Force me filled full of pheromones.
Alone, long, luring looks are exchanged.

Let’s not rearrange the arrangement.

It means so much as though…
Thick, tense, figmental, flirting.
The substitution for the lack of his presence.

__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith

Punk is dead - get over it.

Eiji Tunsinagi

I was seemingly tangled in the words yet also not tangled in the poem. I never reached the poem, all the words got in the way, is what I mean.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Amber Leaf

the words are the poem though. you know - its one of those trail of thougts thingymagigies.

i dont think im cut out for poetry is what im really trying to say

__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith

Punk is dead - get over it.

Baron

shouldn't fig mental be one word or is that Freudian? I don't think this is that bad. Not brilliant but the meaning is there. This is one of those that I would put aside for a week, take a look with a fresh mind and tidy it up.

__________________

Amber Leaf

i thought it was all one word as well but microsoft wasnt having it.

ill change that back now. thanks for that.

i think one day im going to revise all the poems on here because i hardly have chance to revise anything at the moment and my friends are too nice to give me an honest opinion so i have to come on here to get the kind of critism i need.

i thank you loads for doing this baron and only wish i had the time to repay the favour to you.

__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith

Punk is dead - get over it.

ross

Really interesting.

Bit artsy... maybe, a little bit forced. Lot's of alliteration, which I like, but if you do it too much it lessens the effect a bit.

"Alone, long, luring looks" is that really describing friendship to you? Or something closer to desire?

I would have enjoyed more rythmn, as the "lets not rearrange the moment" would have punctuated more strongly.

Liked it though. It feels youthful and innocent. Nice.

__________________
http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-dare-you.html
http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/60590-lucky.html http://www.writingforums.com/fiction...-freefall.html

Amber Leaf

thanks ross.

its more about feeling desire towards a friend but realising that i dont want to ruin the friendship by doing anything about it because its someone else who i really have feelings for.

i just havent been laid for a while and if i write my feelings down then it tends to stop me putting myself in awkward situations.

__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith

Punk is dead - get over it.