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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
11-07-2007, 05:12 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Gender: Private
Posts: 18
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Rum-and-ginger autumn
Rum-and-ginger autumn
In woodsmoke and burrow-brown
Bacon-crackle leaves on a soft grass fire
Turning on the evening’s breath down
There was a really nice autumn evening a couple weeks back that deserved a poem and this is what resulted. I think I was feeling a bit synaesthetic and it all kinda came out like that, too.
I hope you like it.
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"A creator needs only one enthusiast to justify him" -Man Ray
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11-07-2007, 05:20 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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First three lines quite original. The last one doesn't work. To use another's favourite expression, it looks as if it was crow-bared in there.
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11-07-2007, 05:21 PM
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#3
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,749
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Last line was confusing, and seemed contradictory. I can't say that the imagery was very strong, because it had normal-length lines but only one stanza.
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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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11-07-2007, 05:51 PM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2007
Gender: Private
Posts: 169
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First three lines helps me to visualize the mental picture; last line nosedives 'smack' into the ground. It doesn't quite add anything, a bit vague to boot. Thanks for the read, however (coming from someone who has never seen autumn before). 
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Any moron can
write haiku. Just stop at the
seventeenth syllab
~ Reader's Digest, Nov. 2002 Joke
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11-07-2007, 05:54 PM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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I love the first two lines. Take them and put them in a poem. Give them a stronger context and let them shine. huni
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each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust
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11-07-2007, 07:30 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I LOVE the 1st 3 lines. The last one...eh, not so much.
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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11-08-2007, 10:58 AM
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#7
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Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Gender: Private
Posts: 18
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I am glad that people agree with how I feel about this- that the last line is not good. I was not happy with it and it was added some time after the beginning. I think I will take it back and work it over til it is better.
Thanks for your attention and feedback
__________________
"A creator needs only one enthusiast to justify him" -Man Ray
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